You said you wanted the truth...

The truth is
I thought you would be my great protector
Your blue collar made you more appealing more real
The dirt under your nails spoke volumes about loyalty and honesty
and the value of a day’s labor in the sun that tanned your arms and neck
I wanted nothing more than a simple life with you as my own idyllic center my gravity

The truth is
You kept up the illusion of relationship utopia just long enough for me to believe it and hope
I should have listened when the signs of times to come became shadowy animate beings
leaping out scratching at my eyes and screaming prophesy and poetry
Your words cut deeper than the knife you carried
I thought time would ease inflicted pains

Do you even realize who you were? Are you that person still?

The truth is
You broke sacred promises along with my heart

How many women were there? I lost count after 10. Do you even know their names now? Did you ever see their faces?

The truth is
You pushed and shoved and shouted obscenities one too many times

Are you aware of how much you resemble a complete stranger when your face is red and spit is flying as veins bulge from your neck and your fists are clinched to the white knuckles and your arms shake and your eyes burn cold?

The truth is
You crawled on top of me and held me down as I cried

It was a hundred times more demeaning than the rape you hated me to remember from the night that brought you into my world. How ironic that you should want to make him suffer for it. Now you have become him.

The truth is
You said you’d be everywhere watching

You knew of conversations you overheard from hiding in bushes outside my door; you peered from corners of buildings as I walked to class with a new friend who finally made me smile again and forget that my life was so complicated and crazy and filled with your memory. I could feel your eyes as police escorted me to my car at night. I have given the man in the moon your name.

The truth is
You threatened things I shudder to think about, much less put down on paper

How does any human being even think of the torture and terror that fell from your lips? Should I write about hot curling irons and razor blades or try to block it from my consciousness?

The truth is
You said would kill me by bashing in my skull

I thought you came close -- twice at least. But you were justified, because it was only, of course, if I ever did any number of things to upset your warped view of balance in the universe - but I forget my list of acceptable behaviors. Honey, please remind me with your vengeance.

The truth is
You said you’d take this baby boy

When I least expect it, you’d run. After all, a desperate man has nothing to lose. Someday, the light of my life would disappear and all he’d know of me was that his mother was dead.

The truth is
I believed you about everything

I believed you first when you said you loved me. I believed in the trust. Then I was forced to believe in the anger and the hate after coming face to face with your demons. I believed you were capable of more twisted deeds than you ever mentioned. You were so convincing, darling, that I will be a believer until my last breath.

The truth is
I was stronger before I loved you

The truth is
I haven't felt strong ever since the first moment you touched me

The truth is
These are only fragmented glimpses of the many nightmares you gave breeding anxiety that continues to this day. You left your signature engraved in the gaping areas of my heart and flashbacks in the mind of an innocent child. We are imprinted with numbers... a statistic of panic and paranoia and pain.

You said you wanted the truth.

But you're a liar
And you want me to be one, too

What you really want to hear is:
"It's alright, baby. This doesn't bother me. I can take it. You're forgiven. You hate the world? That's okay. I'm here for you. Use me. I don't mind. Treat me like I'm sub-human. I like it. I can't live without you. I'll never leave."

You said you wanted me to love you, but
The truth is
You wanted me to fear you

And so I ran away to hide
And I'm still running

Because, the truth is
It worked

05/28/2003

Author's Note: It's strange how some people work so hard for a desired effect and then are astounded by the outcome. If you cause pain and suffering, people will leave. If you make them afraid, they will not feel safe with you. If you push them away, don't be surprised at the slamming door. There is cause and effect. There are natural inevitable consequences for behaviors. Be careful of your choices. Love shouldn't have to hurt.

Posted on 05/28/2003
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