Reminiscing back
to days of fleeting-sense-of-being
days of non-existent
too translucent
walkrightthroughme life
in which the sum of all my sadness
equaled higoodbye aquaintences
plus my invisibility:
a formula for hopelessness,
I remember how the tears
would hide because I told them to.
I taught them to retreat
from eyelash rows,
and they were scolded, told to wait
Until I shut the door
and turned the lock,
before taking kamakazi plunges
descending down my ruddy cheeks.
I made ghost of me.
I walked into the crowded room
and disappeared amidst the throng
of couples kissing on the couches
people laughing, trying to live on
despite their shattered lives
with daddy gone
and mom gone cold
and violent
tell me, who is more abused,
You or me? My dear, YOU'RE smiling.
I was a form of mutilation
in condensed and unseen state
I made a monster of myself
by shutting out the world
and sliced at flesh
with every breath
that exhaled "YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH."
Wiped my eyes with bits of crumpled tissue
dropped visine to make it better
went to school alone and angry
lost myself in pools of no-self-worth
felt every day a grip around my throat
a threat to my existence
closed my eyes
took laboured breaths
Strug'ling attempts to loosen
my own strangle-hold.
I died so many times
inside a shell of who I was to you
I tried so many times
to live again
it took so long for me to see
what no one else could show me
eyes wide open
I saw nothing
but an essense stripped from bone.
a wreck
a little girl in tattered rags....

blink, and in an instant
flash fast forward
2 or 3 short years and still
I take the time to reminisce
about the days when I was
suicide and self renewal.

05/16/2003

Author's Note: Done

Posted on 05/16/2003
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