INVADED
Part I

"Dat-a-way you moth-bitten fleabag! The kitchen's dat-a-way! Any self-respectin' buildin' type woulda put it on dat side a'da house." The strident voice crackled like old leaves blowing in the wind.

The black cat muttered something under her breath and followed her nose instead, entirely ignoring the imp who was sitting on her neck, tugging vigorously at the fur there. Incensed at being ignored, he reached out and pulled hard on her ear, only to tumble to the ground when she M'ROWed and shook vigorously. For being only a hand tall, he could curse quite loudly given suitable circumstances.

But before he could get a full head of steam, she pinned him to the ground, for the umpteenth time that day. Mere whiskers from his face, she hissed, "Listen imp, just because I owe your sprout-father a debt doesn't give you the right to treat me like a beast of burden. If I eat you then you no longer need to worry about finding you a proper house to keep and my promise is kept." Green eyes with gold flecks glared malevolently at him.

"You wouldna dare!" he squawked. "Da'ness would..."

"Would what? Send a death curse? I've got nine lives, as much annoyance as you've been it would be worth the loss of one to be rid of you. So don't tempt me." She twitched her tail once, then let him up. Indifferently, she continued, "You've got feet, walk now. Obviously you don't appreciate having a ride." And she padded on towards the kitchen without a backward glance.

The imp picked himself up off the floor and hurried after. "Heya, wait up, i can't run dat fast."

Mumbles trailed back. "All the more reason to go faster." She picked up her pace.

"Oh fer da love of old curdled milk..." He chased after her. "After all da hassle i went thru ta get us inta dis place, can't ya slow up a bit? i's tired now." As an after thought he added, "And ravenous."

"Hassle?" The cat stopped suddenly and whipped around to glare at him. "Hassle?? Hassle was carrying you around the outside of this whole building when you could have magicked the front door in the first place and we could have been in before the humans arrived back." She swished her tail angrily, knocking him over. "So don't be whining to me about hassles." Distant thunder rumbled. "I suppose I should be happy you managed it before we ended up soaked in the rain." She lifted her nose and sniffed deeply. "Kitchen's this way."

More curses came from the prone figure of the imp. "Stupid cat, who died n made you queen of da world? Yer jes lucky i let you in...i coulda had da door slam on yer whiskered snout."

The cat chose to ignore this in favor of exploring the kitchen. She leaped onto the table and nosed around, then from there onto the counters. "Nothing," she called back disgustedly. "Whole place is picked cleaner than a year old skeleton. You'd think they'd at least have the indecency to leave a few bread crumbs loose."

"Well, i got us inta here, it's yer turn t'do sumthin. Find us some food oh great fearless one, dat was yer idea fer wantin in in da first place."

"No it wasn't. The reason for wanting in was to get out of the rain. Food was just secondary." The cat sniffed disdainfully. "Do try to keep your story straight."

"Nevermind correctin' me...find food!" He scowled upwards at the cat, who was balancing along the edge of the sink.

"For somebody I could swallow in two bites, you're an awful bossy little man." She jumped back to the floor, landing lightly on her feet.

He sputtered incoherently as he reached back and grabbed hold of the toothpick looped to his belt. "A MAN! YOU CALLED ME A MAN!!!" He advanced threateningly, waving it in front of him. "i's ain't no MAN and i's ain't LITTLE either, i's a full growed house imp! and i's'll beat any man or beast dat say otherwise!"

"Re-A-ly Tla'gra'nadl-Da'Nesk, you ought to control yourself better. I'd love to see how you'd manage against a full grown human." A thoughtful expression crossed her face and for a moment she looked almost impish herself.

Purple with rage, he tried to attack but suddenly the cat disappeared in a subdued smear of gray light and a short black-haired woman knelt before the imp all fours in the cat's place.

He stepped back, shock written all over his face. But before he could run, the human's hand shot out and swept him up. As he pushed and wriggled, trying to escape her fist, she eyed him speculatively. "Well imp, what was that you were saying about humans?"

He just squirmed harder. "Fiend! What didja do wit' me cat?!"

"Your cat?" Her form shook with laughter or exasperation. "Since when was...

At that moment the imp pulled his toothpick free. With a quick motion, he jabbed it deep into her thumb. She dropped him with a loud squall then licked the wound, eyeing him evilly. "Big humans ain't so big as dey thinks dey be. Tell me whatcha did wit' me cat, NOW! Or i's'll stick ya agin!"

"Idiot knothead can't you tell that it's me?!" With that remark, there was another smear of that same odd light and the cat was back. She pounced on him and knocked the toothpick away. Using paws and teeth, she broke it into small pieces. "Try sticking me with that now, you refugee from a peasant's hovel!"

"Why'd'ja hafta go'n do dat?" he whined. "If'n ya woulda warned me in da first place..." The cat just glared evilly.

"How else did you expect me to get us something to eat? It isn't like I can get into the cupboards any other way." She continued to glare.

"Well how's i t'know ya could shift yer shape crittur? Ain't like it's a talent i's ever seen a cat have afore."

"And just how many cats have you ever met before?" The imp blinked and looked dumb. "Never mind, I know the answer. Now if you can control yourself, I'll try it again." Once more she shifted human. She carefully stood up using the table and chairs to balance. "Whatever you do, don't distract me. Human is a tricky enough form without me having to worry about your shenanigans on top of it, not to mention humans that are somewhere around." Mostly to herself, she muttered, "I swear the Maker had to have been drunk when he made them. There's no other explanation for such an unwieldy, hard to balance form."

She opened doors at random, closing none of them, until she chanced upon a pitcher of milk. "HA! Perfect! Knew this would work."

"What? What?" The imp scampered over to her. "Whatcha find?" He stopped right under her feet, just as she was turning to walk over the table. There was a quick shuffling of feet while the imp managed to avoid getting stepped on as the cat tried to avoid falling. A loud CRASH! echoed through the room as the pitcher shattered, followed by a loud THWUMP! as she hit the floor. Milk splashed everywhere.

She pulled herself into a sitting position, looking ready to explode. The imp cowered in the corner, covered with milk. So was she, for that matter. Angrier and angrier, she just sat there staring holes into him. Then suddenly, she began to laugh, long and hard. He looked at her like she was insane at first, but then slowly realization of the situation dawned on him too. Laughter echoed through the kitchen as the two of them looked at each other, the mess, then back again. Finally they calmed enough to speak.

"That was the only milk I found imp. Any bright ideas? Crying over it isn't going to help any." She grinned. "And chewing your head off won't either, so I suppose you're safe for now."

He smiled. "Ectually, dis be somethin' i can manage. Bein' a house imp has a few advantages." He waved hands, stomped with his left foot three times and the pitcher began to put itself back together while the human/cat watched curiously. Puddled milk wound through the air in spirals, spilling back into it. It still looked like a disaster and the pitcher looked much worse for the wear, but the worst of the mess cleaned up. All that remained were a few spatters of milk.

The imp looked at the results and frowned. "Da'Ness would be ashamed a'such shoddy work. But is best i kin do bein not the house imp a'this place. Houses dun work with strange imps ver well, i's afraid."

"Looks impressive enough to me." She smiled mischievously and caught him up, depositing him on the table before he realized what happened. The patchwork pitcher followed right behind. "Time for snack."

04/22/2003

Author's Note: work in progress. i do believe i need to look a few synonyms for glare...

Posted on 04/22/2003
Copyright © 2024 Rhyana Fisher