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I miss him

by Amy Niggel

I love my dad
more then any other man I've known
in my life thus far
I love his sense of humor
his laugh
his love of me
I miss him
not the man he is now
angry
bitter
broken down
I miss my dad
the one who held me
and cooed
the one who carried me
on his shoulders
kept me in line
kicked me out of the house on bright sunny days
and toe me to play
the man who was
sooooo proud
when I actually caught
the basball!
and who was so worried
when I had a concussion
the man who babied me
when I was sick
and made me believe
I could do it all
I miss my dad
who used to drive us,
Erika and I
to dance classes
and take me to play golf
the one who took me
on brewery tours
and to the sidewalk art show
the one who came faithfully
to every concert
and taught me to love music
though he refused to teach me guitar
the man who
made fun of my sisters
with me
and tried to kill squirrels
with rocks
the man who called this place
a prison
who didn't want me to leave
though he'd never stop me
my daddy
my pride and joy
the man who wrapped my knees and ankles
and wrists
before field hockey games
he used to love me
now,
now he doesn't
I betrayed him
left him alone
now
he won't speak to me
won't look at me
he doesn't know how I cry
I look at him and see a wraith
a ghost of a man
once great
now transparent
he isn't my daddy
not anymore
now
he's my father
the man who had a hand
in bringing me into being
I can't go to him
with my problems
my fears
my joys
he isn't there.
And I want to cry
I want to bawl
and run after him
and cry
"daddy daddy
don't do this
don't turn your back
you aren't like that
not like the others
not like everyone else
who ran away
and left me alone
Daddy
DON'T LEAVE ME!"
but I can't
even if I did
it wouldn't matter
he isn't there
not anymore
he's gone
and more than anything
in this world
I miss him.

04/21/2003

Author's Note: Going home can hurt so much when the ones you love are so close and yet you cannot speak to them.

Posted on 04/21/2003
Copyright © 2021 Amy Niggel

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