|
(left hand) andromeda
by Richard Paezyour soft
and shimmering tones
told me to stop
(staring at the sun}
and since that day
Ive been blind
~
disorganized I fell
{the domino-man}
too preoccupied
(lining up my pieces)
to keep from cascading
(again)
and now I lay
disheveled and spread out
(over puddled lifetimes)
{beautiful you
that treads
so carefully}
your soft (and shimmering)
fingers and toes
soft-touching amd dipped in
{echoing} ripples
so soft {you are}
your {so-soft} lullabies
dull me
as I try and try and try
to line up my fallen
constellation{dominos}
(again)
but youre still so soft and shimmering
its all I can do
to keep from cascade-falling
once-and-once-and-once again
04/13/2003 Author's Note: please criticize this harshly. -malachi
Posted on 04/13/2003
Copyright © 2024 Richard Paez
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Betania Tesch on 04/14/03 at 01:09 AM I'm no good at concrete criticisms, but I look at this and wonder if it's really what you mean to say...it seems like there's some important detail missing, not enough development
but, la, I love you and your poetry and so I tried to fulfil your request when all I really want to do is say hiiiii it's nice to see a green arrow beside your name again. |
| Posted by Thomas K. Hunt on 04/14/03 at 09:44 PM this is a beautiful expression...very well written and the imagery is wonderful... |
| Posted by Sarah Brookes on 04/17/03 at 04:58 PM Great, one of my quiet-idols wanting onlookers to scrape at words. Its funny, lately I've lost my bottle for harsh criticism - and much to your annoyance I am sure, like everyone else, I can't really offer any. The rhythm, structure, imagery and wording of this.. All sound and secure and sparkling and lovely. My one point would be the lack of flaws: Please add some more in future to make my efforts at least seem a little less meagre.
|
|
