You just dont eat.
And that is that. There is nothing more and nothing less. You just dont eat. YOu dont know why, EXACTLY, except that To Eat is To Gain. And one must not gain: at all costs, one must lose. So, hunger grips you like claws and your mouth becomes a hard blue line. Clenched closed. Your hands shake, you beg yourself for it. Just for a little, a little cant hurt! But you know it will. It will hurt. You SCREAM for it. Please! Please! Just a little.
And sometimes you give in. THough you hate yourself for it. As you eat, you hate. To Eat is To Hate. YOu get angry, you feel the rage. At yourself. For being weak, for being spineless....FAT CUNT. You call yourself names
Sometimes you restrain. You cant say you are starving, but you did not eat enough. You are still hungry, thank god. As long as you still have the hunger you still have IT. Whatever IT is. But you still feel guilty. You still think it was too much. It still makes you wonder whether you gained any, so you look for it. HOurs and hours in front of a mirror that hates you. YOu you hate what is in the mirror. To Look is To Hate.
Sometimes, (far far too often) you go crazy. You eat anything you can get your hands on. You have to be full NOW! Instantly. You cant stand the hunger, the emptiness, anymore so you push everything into your mouth, your angry resentful mouth. All the while you are screaming STOP! STOP! JUST STOP NOW! But you know its too late. You cant keep this. You must be empty again. So you still have IT.
Purging hurts. You turn yourself inside out, again and again. You empty everything, more than everything. ALl you can. But you are still afraid. YOu still wonder what was left. What little calories hide in th bottom of your aching stomach.
Sometimes your sugar drops and you shake. Your heart pounds hard, you are weak, boneless....
Sometimes that makes you eat and purge again, which makes it worse. No matter......
No one understands this. THere are few who know. They do not understand... you frustrate them. Anger them. Worry them. (But somehow, you feel they are never worried enough. Never enough to prove they love you. How can this be? Are you really that pathetic? Are you really this evil? Heartless bitch....) There are some who yell at you. (As if this actually helps. As if you can help it. Shhhh...never admit you dont have control. That is rule number one. NEVER ADMIT.) You are hurt, youhurt them. Fair's fair. THough nothing is ever fair in this game.
It IS a game. You should never forget that. A game of waiting and seeing. How far can you go? How long? How much can you lose. How many people will leave in desperation (just like you expect them to ) How many will force you? ....it is a sick and twisted game.
That you love. That you covet. That you need. Never forget that you NEED this. That is rule number two. Never forget that you dont know how to live without this. That it has been so long since you were normal....you cant remember, now, EVER being normal. This IS normal. To change is to change you, and that is too strange. Too much. Too impossible.

02/10/2003

Author's Note: True feelings.

Posted on 02/11/2003
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