I didn't actually write this speech.

I paid someone with a lot more wit
(who just happens to be un-handsome)
to make me sound like I'm interesting.
Without a script I'm practically nothing,
so thanks to whoever for writing my lines.
Thanks to the people who produced this
and gave me my own trailer and snack bar.
Thank you to my stupid personal trainer
for the six-pack abs and sculpted pecks,
and for ruining the work of my private chef.

[Wait for laughs]

Thank you to my personal assistant
for taking care of whatever else.
And an extra special shout-out to Goldie,
the pimpin'est mo'fo' this side of Broadway,
for keeping a fresh supply of the lovelies.
I respect you and your ghetto culture.
And I'd also like to speak to all of our Latin friends
about how much more I appreciate your special needs
since J.Lo's ass started getting more press than Oprah.
And to all the underepresented peoples, I understand.

[Ignore uncomfortable silence]

Friends, in this time of great international strife,
I'd like to bring our attention back to the animals
and the ozone layer and the rain forests and child abuse
and world hunger and infectious diseases and nuclear arms
and Tibet and oppressed people and Tiny Tim's peg leg
and--oh, it looks like I need to wrap this up...
This is really an honor and everyone was deserving,
but I'm really grateful to win...and accept.

Thank you.

[nod politely]
[wave and walk slowly]
[...and remember to smile with both sides of the mouth]

03/12/2002

Posted on 02/02/2003
Copyright © 2024 D. Xavier Bari