he only wanted a piece of me but i was ready to give him the world
i guess thats what you get for always trying to overcompensate
with your body what your heart and soul lack always falling from
the sky (or getting shot down) to end up once again, lying on your
back and this time i was so straight with him, i thought...so strong.
and every night at 3 am i hold my face realclose to the mirror and
search the whites of my eyes, my skin for jaundice and any yellow-
tinting throws me into a spin, because see that's what got Him,
that was His end, and it was all in his liver, though mine however is
all in my head that whole dramatic "death of the dying who have all
along been dead" whatever. amen. and so now i'm starting to check
inventory to make sure i still have what it takes just in case i'm
ever made to come crawling back out of myself someday and i can
honestly safely say, my legs are still sturdy and my breasts are still
big and i can still outdrink the best of 'em, sleep with all the rest of
'em, hate myself in the morning and find love again in the afternoon.
extremely extreme, overly excessive and too late too late is always
too soon. and once in awhile i go searching for truth and enlightenment
with a flashlight thats growing dim in shadows i toss off with every
step i turn...as much as i fear it, i always have preferred the dark
and just when i think i'm finally getting somewhere (how 'bout a little
recognition here..) i realize it is only me and my own self-pitying
spark and the monsters are always so near, hey this aint no walk in
the park and my religion is my sex and i am devoted to my cause
ready to break all moral laws just to find a little faith to hang onto
i believe i believe i believe and the christian boys are always the best
with their "please" and "thank you's"...always have a way of making
you feel less dirty, more respectful when they eventually say, "listen
doll, i really like you but i have a girl at home who needs me, so
maybe i'll see you around someday, but if she's with me pretend you
don't see me" the father the son and the holy spirit. and i believe
someday, believe me, i believe that something good is right around
the corner, someone's waiting, watching and knows what all this is
about, won't judge me, can even love me and won't be able to do
without so i'll gather my humility and attempt to dampen my pride,
all in due time little girl someone will see what sleeps inside...
i'm living lost and lonely and a bit crooked-hearted but there's a long
road ahead with plenty of bumps, and hell, i'm just getting started.

01/04/2003

Author's Note: from a while back..a few years ago, i do believe

Posted on 01/05/2003
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