I have tried so long to hide so much
to use big words so my not so intelligent friends
would never quite catch on
but I would feel better because I had said it out loud.
I think back on the life I led and wonder what the hell happened,
I used to worry about real things,
about living through the night,
about who was going to die on me next,
now what do I worry about?
I worry about Mike and whether or not he likes me,
whether I am screwing things up and trying to run away,
or whether I am right in the assumption he is never going to see me as more than a friend.
I used to to be the listener,
the one everyone turned to
the one who solved everyone else's problems
without sharing any of her own,
I used to believe that everyone else in the world mattered more to me than I did.
I used to be strong,
I could take on the world by myself,
I never needed to confide in anyone,
my life was my problem and no one else needed to know about it.
And now look at me,
I got soft over time
I let people in and they let me lean on them
and now I want someone to be there when I need to lean,
Now I talk about my life
in terms I never would have before
I let people know me
now I worry about boys and all the little trivial stuff of life.
Somewhere over the course of time
I changed
I grew up
And now I feel
self centered
and petty
and weak
I have given up my walls
my defenses
I give up on obscurity.

12/11/2002

Author's Note: yeah well this is more of a journal entry in my mind than a poem but I figured it stood more or less of a chance of being read here. I have only a handful of secrets left worth keeping the rest is public knowledge now I don't really care. I know I used to be so much different from how I am now. Hmm I guess this is one for Sara, Heather, Kim, Jennie, Frank and Chris and Todd and Larry and even Kinney, all the people who knew me when I was still a wallflower.

Posted on 12/11/2002
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