I've never revelled in secrecy, in keeping something all to myself. I always wanted to share. I'm not calling myself charitable, or socialistic. I am not saying that I think everyone should have a piece of me. I'm just saying I never wanted to hide anything from you. I have no joy in closing my mouth and swallowing my own thoughts. I want to kiss them all over your body, even if I bite sometimes. I want to live uncensored. Still I realise that isn't realistic. And there's something humbling about remembering that not everything coming out of my head is divinity and not all of it deserves a gasp and admiration. But I still want to tell you, even if it's ridiculous and I should just close my mouth only to reopen it upon yours. And I hate to apologise--you should know that by now. I hate to say I did something wrong in my eyes, because I don't always know if I have. And sometimes I swear I can apply the lyrics to every scorned lovesong to each person I know. I swear I feel like I'm living in this scorned love song. And honey I know it's foolish and I know it's just a little crazy of me. But I'm not going to beg for forgiveness and I'm not going to tell you this-is-the-way-it-is-so-deal-with-it because that's not what I want either. I'm not saying I'm always right. I'm not saying I'm always wrong. I'm just saying that I'm a person and I make mistakes, but I'm trying. I'm trying and I want you to know that I'm trying out of love. It's not with charity I'm telling you this. It's with hope that I can do better for us, and with tenderness that I can soothe the gentle ache that resonates.

05/22/2002

Author's Note: just writing it out, to keep it "on my nose" for rembrance, and for peace.

Posted on 05/22/2002
Copyright © 2024 Betania Tesch