What'd your closest friend say about your poetry?
she said, "I can't figure out what in the hell
anyone sees in your poetry".
How'd that make you feel?
It makes me feel like a choice
do I want to be the pinball
or do I want to be the flipper

the pinball:
anger that turns to bitterness
hurt that turns to despair
blame that brings no change to others
nor demands it from me
dark emotion spilled in words without thought
seeking to protect it becomes weakness
the soul translucet like cast iron
bears no good fruit

the flipper:
not having to be angry
not having to defend
not having to bear a grudge
not having to be hurt
not having to speak but being able to
enduring death it becomes strong
feeding others, it fills the bearer
like tempered steel the soul translucent
bears good fruit

being the pinball comes with birth
being the flipper comes with death

i thought, "approval feels good,
it must be life"
not knowing to seek life from approval enslaves me
i thought, "disapproval feels bad,
it must be death"
not knowing that disapproval is outside myself
it does not have to touch inside me

to be the flipper, to be the pinball
both come with a cost

the price of being the pinball:
being in bondage
controlled by energy inflicted by outside of myself
spinning off to collide
and collide again
the pain of trying to protect myself
I try but I cannot
the pain of not wanting to double hurt
but having two
(myself and you)
giving in to self's desire to pursue being loved
but robbing myself of the capacity to love others
what a dark trap
it buys death

the price of being the flipper
is the price of dying to me
it is a hard death
and the price is paid upfront
it buys a powerful freedon
a capacity to love even those who hurt me
a love which doubles love
feeding love within me
often birthing love's freedom in others

"What did you say to her after she said that?"
i said, "yeah", with a smile
and, "can I fix you a latte"

04/23/2002

Author's Note: sometimes, those we love can hurt us the most. that's because our love has a selfish element (I think). I want to learn what it is to love unselfishly.

Posted on 04/23/2002
Copyright © 2024 Carl Walker