(in phonetic Lancashire dialect)


Aye I am fane to si thi
'ast a bin't school?
Come an warm thi 'ands b't fire
It's a cowd owd wind
What's blowin off them 'ills t'neet

Would'st a like a cuppa tay?
Kettle's on't boil
Id'll be whistlin' soon
Dost tha tek sugar
I'll be buggered if a cun remember

'ow about an umbug whilst yur waitin
Nay, don't be backarts at cummin forruts
Tek more than one, thas still growin
Tha can tek rest oam
Do fur't playtime in't mornin

Now, did I ever tell thee 'bout Robby Barker?
Well, when we were little
Ee, 'e wur a whipper snapper
Allas up to summut

Well, one day, 'e figured as 'ow e'd 'ave a go
At makin umbugs
Wi a recipe 'is granma giv 'im
Spent all afternoon 'e did

When we went to see 'im
Damned toffee wur all twirled baht mantelpiece
Brass rod wur fur near bent wi't weight
Of all that black 'n white toffee

Ee, 'e did a reet good job an all
Looked like a bloody dimented zebra
'angin oer't fire; but reet profeshnul
Just like stuff off 't front at Blackpool

Well we were stuffed full after our tay
Wi our mam's 'otpot 'n apple sponge
But we couldn't wait to get our teeth
Into Robby's umbugs.

'e peeled't stuff off't mantle
Couldn't find't scissors so 'e chomped at it wi 'is teeth
Broke it all up like
It wur stuck all round 'is gob
All sugary and stringy

Anyway, 'e give us all a piece
An' we were reet lookin forrud to tastin it
Well, strike mi pink!
Never tasted anythin as 'orrible in mi life
It wur like bloody bath wather

Ee, we killed ourselves laughin
All quein' up for't lavvy
I'll never forget Robby Barker's umbugs
We wished we'd left't zebra on't mantle
A couldn't face another umbug for years

'ere lad, 'ave another one
Damned good job these folk got recipe reet!



a humbug is a hard mint flavoured boiled sweet (lollie), often black and white

03/04/2002

Posted on 03/04/2002
Copyright © 2024 Anne Howe