A year or more,
but even then
I never thought it would
turn me into this.
Or is that fair -
maybe it was in me all along.
It doesn't matter,
it doesn't change anything -
the statistics stay the same.
God, how many?
How many arms have held me?
How many hearts have I broken
and how many times
has it killed me to have to?
It seems like too many to count
and it all adds up to too much.
The number of times I've been uncertain
but failed to listen to my heart soon enough.
The number of times I've said "I love you"
on the surface only.
The number of times I've seen pain
in a pair of eyes, pain I put there.
It's too much.
And at the same time, not enough.
So maybe I did deserve his piercing words,
maybe I did deserve the bitter anger,
maybe he was right all along,
and maybe I do deserve
the restlessness that plagues me
and the unhappiness it always leads to.
Maybe I should have expected this,
but I never thought to turn into
what I find I've now become.

02/18/2002

Posted on 09/19/2002
Copyright © 2025 Amanda J Cobb