I find myself amidst a swarm of people,
unorganized and raucous, loud.
They scatter and then swirl about me as I seek among them.
Many of them I dismiss on sight,
cocky, mean-spirited, inconsistent, wrong.

I catch a glimpse of what I seek,
a spark in him I'm sure.
Independence, assurance, solace, warmth...... and anger,

No, not him.
The spark has died,
I quashed it, ruthlessly.
Wrong. He was wrong.
I move off, desolate.
There is no one, not for me,
they're all wrong, I make them wrong.
No fault but mine. I seclude myself, thinking, here alone.
I am fine here by myself, complete and in control.
I am confident in myself, secure, life does go on.
I pack all my emotions into other things, I survive.
There is no one for me.
I skirt the populous, the massive swarm
and continue with my life.
I forget what it can be like with another.
Quietly I go my way and then I catch a glimpse..
That spark.
I can't ignore it,
I try and still I fail.
Something in him calls to me,
connects to me.
I hesitate.
I dislike failure and I fear it,
but surely the mere hope of this
is worth any risk I make.
I think, still, and convince myself
that this cannot be wrong.
Tentative I approach him...
can he accept me
[must start small]
can he see just who I am?
Can he enjoy my heart and mind?
[must grow]
Can he see this, does he know?

I fret, I worry, I am my own torment. I'm sure I'm insufficient,
that this man's worth more than me.
I want to be near him,
but still I fear to come too close.
Emotions make me frailer than ever I wish to be.
And yet I must give in to them,
sacrifice my solitude and simple sanctuary,
open myself to him and wait while he judges me.
I am apprehensive of my judgement,
for it's possible to win.
But if I fail I walk away,
destined to start again.

01/15/2002

Posted on 01/15/2002
Copyright © 2024 Leandra K Brossard