I hate myself
I hate myself for loving you
But I didn't really love you
nor you, I
We more or less just fed off of each other
because it was what we sensed, what we desired, what we needed
Until I realized I wasn't loving you
I was in love with what I saw in you
When I gazed into your eyes
in an attempt to see through you and into your soul
All I saw was my reflection, myself, my pain...in you
I thought through the sparks of common sorrows
flames were supposed to arise to cast out the darkness and fill my soul w/ light so as to let me feel life again
And the mask could be taken off so smiles shown actually had meaning
...
All an illusion however
For when together, we were still alone
Delving into conversations that we knew we could both talk about
The pain didn't discard
it only spread between us and filled us both completely
We had too much in common
without any differences between us there was nothing new to taste
The walls around us were becoming fortified instead of crumbling
We were each one against the world
and I thought we could become two reentering the world
Instead we just became two against the world...still alone
And I hated it...
Yet I didn't want to leave
People search for so long for the kind of compatability that we found
but that isn't what I wanted
It was just supposed to be an initial contact with something to fall back on
But it became the meal on which I fed which caused me to lose sight of you
what you wanted, what you needed
because you never said otherwise
So I didn't...and I still don't...know
I hate the fact that I feel I used you
I hate the fact that I never got to know...you
I hate the fact that I never helped you
I hate the fact that I left you
But I hate myself most
for the fact
that I never apologized
for never actually...loving...
YOU

01/12/2002

Posted on 01/12/2002
Copyright © 2025 Chris D Lavigne