To stand there and be commended for my strength,
when all I feel inside is pain and hurt,
is something that is too hard to accept.

To dream whistfully of how it could have been,
knowing that it could have been prevented,
if I only had the strength before.

I feel like a lie.

Something dirty and cheap on display,
alms tossed toward me,
in pity.

I've lied to myself for years,
thinking that I could change,
everything in my own little world.

An impossible feat it was,
to realize that I was wrong,
that I needed to leave,
this disaster.

Unfortunately, I am the one,
who suffers in the end,
because I didn't,
prevent what has come to pass.

I know this is not my fault,
I know this is not my fault.

It's not your fault, they keep telling me,
I KNOW this is not my fault.

In a way it is.

I could have left a long time ago,
and prevented this painful,
misery.

I could have left a long time ago,
and prevented this undeniable,
mistake.

I rest in my solitude.

Utterly alone.

Knowing that this is but is not my fault.

You can't understand,
unless you've been there,
and seen what I have.

I still don't believe it,
like a dream in slow motion,
still unraveling the plot.

Is there a point?

This chatter I write,
helps to heal,
a little.

Very little...

And again,
I start a new day,
believing it's not my fault.

But the end,
reflecting back on my thoughts,
and realizing what a coward,
I have become.

Positive becomes Negative.

I'm still not indifferent.

09/20/2001

Posted on 09/20/2001
Copyright © 2024 Stephanie Myers