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The Journal of Kimberly Bauer

Welcome to the abyss... my depression
04/11/2015 02:12 a.m.

Even now, I sit to write about depression and it stiffens my fingertips like a gloppy monster sucking all motivation out of me. This visitor in my body only seems to want to sleep, lay in bed, stare blindly, swirl up a whirlwind of dark and dusty thoughts or cry. Depression is a cruel beast from which I do not think I will ever fully tame.
I have referred to my depression as the black abyss. It is all consuming. I can block it out and push through for a time; but it is like a demon hell bent on taking not just my body, but my soul into the darkness for which their is no refuge. At my best I look at each day with indifference. I move through the motions, handle my responsibilities as necessary for an adult in this world who maintains self sufficiency and I insert appropriate responses in conversations when the occasion arises. All the while,throughout each day I face the aching for the solitude my bedroom brings. I imagine the soft and welcoming embrace of my bedding and the soothing blank walls as I can envelope into myself until the next day, when I know I must return to the "real world" and push through all over again.
At my worst, the daily simplicities suck the breath right out of my lungs. The though of a day following the present one becomes more than I can bare and I frequently burst into tears. Pushing myself to get ready and out the door for work feels like an equivalent to hiking the entire Appalachian trail. Social interaction is excruciating. The mask gets heavy and then it's hard when someone can tell that you aren't okay. And oh, how much worse it is when no one notices at all. There really is no winning at the worst of it.
The positive feedback loop of thoughts is what scares me most. I will open up to people and then feel consumed with guilt for the burden I put on them. From there, I realize, that is all I am. a burden. I only hurt the people I love and they would be so much better off without me here. I'm not strong enough to be here anyway. Everything would be so much better if I was gone. One thought after the other, as quickly as this paragraph, and you are easily contemplating your own demise. Luckily, I have been able to fight this thought cycle and I have a weapon for these times. As silly as it sounds, My dog Misty keeps me in focus. My troubled mind can trick me to think everyone would be better off without me, but it can never trick me to think Misty would be. In so many ways she saves me.
I have days of clarity. The sun shines in my brain and I can feel my old self, with my unhindered thoughts and perspective. These are the moments that keep me going. That make me realize, in the words of Dexter, that this depression is just my "dark passenger." It is not me. It is not my end all be all. I just might beat it one day. Until then, I will try to learn from and survive the abyss.


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