What is "Really" Going On?
11/03/2004 09:51 p.m.

Today I sat here and just thought...just thought of all the things that have been in and out of my life in the last couple years. And as much as I want to say that I think I am conveniently stable in my life, I have to take it back. What is stable is being able to say that you are stable and not have to lie about it. Being stable is something you should be happy saying and not hiding in the dirt after you say it.

The people I treated with awful intentions, I used, I betrayed, I befriended. Where did it all come from? I just don't really know. I am sitting here right now wondering to myself, do I really fit in the skin I'm in or am I just a time bomb waiting to explode and hurt dozens of other people that are so close to me? How do I change that?

Someone messaged me on AIM the other day telling me that all I care about is making sure that I have the attention from everyone I know. They also told me that without this attention I would be nothing. I crave it like nothing else on this earth could ever crave. I now understand that they were right.

I get depressed easily. Most likely because I have been around so many people lately, I get depressed when I'm not around anyone at all. I felt so alone back in high school, I jumped at the chance to make as many friends as possible just to be less alone. Now look at me. I'm a wreck with friends dropping off away from me because I don't even know how to tell the truth to save the friendships.

Some people I talk to I don't do this with. For instance, people here on Pathetic.org has never had to see anything that I have ever done. One of them is a dear friend of mine that I talk to a lot now. I enjoy talking to him all the time. I would never want him to see anything that has happened over time.

The thing is I want to change. Change is a very dramatic event in someone's life. Laziness is a pure factor in change. I can't make classes on time because I oversleep, I can't go to job interviews because I'm not strong enough emotionally to sell myself. The confidence is not there. Where do I go when that happens? What do I do? I realize that doing all of this is part of everyone's lives. Everyone does it. Everyone has to suck it up. Why is all of this hitting me like this? Why do I put myself in this position? It's isn't as easy as saying to me, "Well just don't do it and get off your ass and get to class!" There is something there that is bothering me, but I just don't know what it is.

I am happy being me. I mean I like what I know, I feel I'm very talented, but this something that has been bothering me for years upon years just isn't cutting it anymore.

I mean take for example my looks. A lot of people say I am handsome, charming, cute, sexy (as my boyfriend may say). But why can't I look at myself in the mirror with a smile? Why can't I dance in front of a mirror at the club? Why do I shy away at myself because I feel so useless? I just don't know.

I love my boyfriend more than I ever could imagine. But somedays I feel that I shouldn't be with him, nor should I be with anyone; just because of the person I think I am. Just because I think there is something wrong with me, so deep that it is controlling the rest of my life. It is easy to just say, "but Matt there isn't anything wrong with you." No, I know there is something wrong. And I really wish I knew what it was. I can't go hurting people that I care about so much, then I am subjected to having to ignore them because I'm afraid that all I will ever get from them are grudges.

What does it all mean? It all just seems so deep. Everything is so jumbled up and messed up that I couldn't put my hand on what the problem is. But I can say that that one person who told me what my life is really like, really made me think of the person I truely am.

How do I see a counselor about this when I don't even know what is wrong? Is there a way of even finding out what is wrong? How do I tell?

This may be a jumbled up messed up journal entry but does it not make sense that this is what goes on in my mind right now? I think those people that say to me that my life is nothing but a reliabilty on others are the people that need to push my life in the right direction. If anyone is ever familiar with Brian on Queer as Folk, you would know the type of person I'm talking about. He seems so stuck up and selfish, but deep down he cares and is only being realistic and as strikingly truthful about the world we live in and the mistakes that we all make. He's never afraid of admitting when someone makes a mistake. Not perfect, but cynical.

I have talked to 3 different people in the last few weeks that have had seperate issues with their lives. Each one of them comes right back to me in some form very similar to what they are going through. Each issue they had I am having all at the same time and everything I tell them they should do (advice) comes and smacks me right back in the face like "hello?! idiot! you're doing the exact same thing.....wake up and change this!" It's not as easy as it looks and says it is. Then why do I expect them to think it is as easy as I say it is? Maybe because I just don't want them to end up how I am; one big ball of jumbled up disasters.

It's a long shot but maybe I need a bit more than this little journal entry to help me really appreciate the life I live. What do I really want in my life? How do I really want my life to travel? Where do I see myself in 5, 10, 20 years from now? It's all a mystery to me. A mystery that I just will never be able to solve.