Letter to My Self
07/31/2006 01:54 a.m.

July 25, 2006

Sometimes I want to ask, “why do you love me?” But there can’t be a definite answer, so I don’t ask anymore. It must be my defeatist self who wants to know. Who I am or want to be seems like a land of murky waters, and I’m more lost than ever. I read a JE today of someone on Pathetic who bluntly declared that if you are depressed you should either stop complaining or just kill yourself. I felt nothing but contempt towards this apparent ‘truth’.

Still, I want to know why you love me, if only to remember why I should love myself. You fear the defeatist self, and I tell you that I’ve been worse places and haven’t quit yet. It’s true, I won’t, despite this PAIN…this emptiness. But I didn’t tell you that it’s not because I’m brave, but because I’m a coward.

You hold back from me for love and fear, or you don’t hold back from me for love and fear. Fear of loss I suppose. But I wonder what is there to lose? Either way I’m too weak inside. But I know you, and you will say this means there is much room to grow hahaha Still I wonder what gain has there been for you? What meaning but a hope that brings a fear of shattering? Standing in the murky waters the defeatist self is queen, the one that action alone can conquer. Action alone. Instead “we” hold pity parties and drink, indulging in the misery. It’s true, one should either STOP or just end it.

Meaning has no meaning no matter how I struggle to give it definition, to give it a form when the only meaning is formless…when the only meaning is HERE, a distant star away, and the journey a miracle in the making if one step alone can be made.

Maybe writing this counts as action. I hope it does. I hope in all hopelessness. Because I don’t have the strength of mind or body to do any more at this particular moment. But still one thing I know for sure is that I have no intention of ever giving up, for whatever reason, be it cowardly or courageous.