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The Journal of Christel Crews ok
01/16/2013 03:48 a.m.
I truly am "ok". I get asked every day, and I have to answer, because when compared to those in 3rd world countries, to those who have lost their homes to natural disasters, or to those who have loved ones terminally ill, I truly am ok.
But is "ok" all there is? How come I look at some and see joy in their eyes? I can't begin to grasp what joy feels like. I look at some and see a life that I was supposed to have, before the health issues, the debt, the unknowns. Is it "ok" for me to not be "ok" when a piece of me dies each time I'm faced with the reality that what they have, I will never have?
I wonder.
Sometimes, it seems trivial, shallow of me, to complain about not being happy, but in the same breath, I have lost every hope of grasping anything and everything I ever dreamed of. Do you know what it feels like to watch EVERY dream float away on the wind, never to be seen again? If you don't, then maybe you shouldn't stand there and tell me that God has called us to a life of sacrifice.
I know sacrifice. I know it well. I've lived it for years. Is this all there is? Is there a time when life hands you a moment of joy, happiness, guilt-free contentment? I am beginning to doubt I will ever know what that feels like.
My only comfort is staying busy, so when asked how I am doing, I can respond honestly, insanely busy!!!! With a smile on my face, because if I'm busy then I'm not having to constantly face the dreams that were lost years ago.
I have forgotten what hope feels like, and without hope, without vision, you, what makes you - you, vanishes.
I am currently Questioning
I am listening to the whirling fan
| Member Comments on this Entry |
| Posted by George Hoerner on 01/17/13 at 02:33 AM I have no real answers, not even for myself! I have had that feeling and come close to suicide more times than I want to talk about. I do know what I enjoy! I love music especially classical. It doesn't even have to a live performance. I love foreign films. I love contact with others who ask all the unanswerable questions. As for the latter, I mean both physical and emotional contact. I enjoy sex even though at my age performance can be questionable. But honestly I could spend a whole night in bed with a woman and enjoy trying to make her feel wanted. I'm sorry if any of what I say offends you. If it does bother you please tell me and I'll refrain from making comments. I just feel I also need to be open with people. I don't have another 75 years to help anyone including myself. Take care lady. And just so you know I am married and my wife and I put up with each other as well if not better than many couples I know. |
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