whatever that feeling is.
12/20/2006 05:55 a.m.
two pathetic journal entries in one day? it's so rare. a lot to think about, I guess. and no one to really stop me from thinking.

I am a fairly paranoid person. I worry about people from Micheaux's past because I know how deeply I feel for people from my past. and, apparently, that frightens me. I don't want him to feel the same way I feel. I'm a hypocrite. I always have been. I have always had this terrible double standard. he told me once that I have a part of his heart that he'll never be able to take back, that's only mine. and my reaction to that, kind and beautiful as it was for him to say at all, was, "well, I'm sure other people have similar pieces." and as soon as I said it, I knew it was true for me as well. he has a part of me that no one else does. he has been a friend to me in a way that no one else ever has been. he has loved me in a way no one else has. the part of my heart that he has is very specific to him. and other people have parts of my heart that I can never take back from them.

with this small amount of distance (in terms of time) that I have from me and Eric's relationship, I can see just how big a piece of my heart Eric has and always will have. before him, the only person that affected me in that way was Simeon. (or, technically, Koye since I've loved Koye since we became friends in 2nd grade.) and I never really took the time to think about the size of that part of me that Eric has. I didn't because... well... I never came to a place in my mind where I figured we were over. there's something lingering about me and Eric because that's just how we've always done things. we broke up and it was very definite. but what was this summer? what did it mean? why did it happen? it all just faded so quickly. looking back on it, it was one of the worst mistakes I've ever made. I should have known things would have to be all or nothing with Eric. there was no way we could endure "casual dating." we're not "casual dating" people. especially not with our history. so it only served to drag things on in my heart... even when they really were over. and I think he even knew that. he knew they were over, but I didn't. not for a very long time. and I think he probably liked that. leading me on like that. eh. maybe I overestimate his desire for revenge. but I doubt it.

but I'm always looking over my shoulder. I'm always worrying with Micheaux. I let my own mistakes ruin my way of thinking. I assume that if it's possible for me to make a mistake, people who are very similar to me (and Micheaux is in a lot of way) could very easily make the same mistake. it's hard to keep in mind that Micheaux was cheated on. he knows how terrible that feels. I honestly think he'd never do that to me. and I know what a terrible thing it is to cheat. I know I'll never do it again. I'd rather cut off my own arm. so why is there any fear?

welp, because I'm an idiot.

no. because I know myself. I know my heart is fractured and fragmented and strewn. and I know his is too. it can't be all mine. mine isn't all his. life does that. you attach yourself and make these emotional commitments with your heart and you're stuck with that. those ideas are always there. Anne and Gilbert are always there. so what do you do? flip your shit when you remember you're not the only one with some kind of stake in this person. why? why when you know there's other people that have some of you?

it's all just too much.
I am currently Jaded