him again
11/10/2006 03:29 p.m.
every day that goes by, I think of something more to say. and, as I told him, I have never been good at hiding my feelings. if I'm feeling something, I am compelled to let the person I'm having feelings for know. I have trouble keeping it to myself.

it's music more than anything. or, I guess, that's what it's been lately. "Gimme the Light" was playing and I closed my eyes and I had a VERY clear picture. Hendricks, his bed made, clean countertops, his stereo, me at the desk, him ironing his shirt, one of his hats on, a wife beater, the baggy pair of jeans, two cups of 151 and my Diet Caffeine Free Pepsi, I'm putting make up on, he's singing, peppermint, getting ready for the club (when we used to go to the club). I got lost in that. songs do that. and that's just some Sean Paul. that's just a random memory with no real emotion attached. don't get me started on R&B. I can't listen to it. I cry at everything. everything gives me a picture. an intimate one.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't know how to shut them up, throw them away, push them down. I don't do that. that's very not me.

and yesterday Micheaux and I had a fight. I... I don't know... threatened? suggested? that I might go see Eric. and he, because he was already angry said, "you wanna go see him? you think that hurts me? it doesn't. at all. all that's going to happen is you're going to go over there and he's not going to want to see you or talk to you. he TOLD you the other day he doesn't want to talk to you anymore. the only reason I don't want you to see him is because you'll come back to me hurt and crying because he doesn't want to see you. so go ahead. it's not going to hurt me, it's only going to hurt you." things like that. and I KNOW he's right. I know he wouldn't be hurt by me going to see Eric. he's the least jealous person I've ever met. that's what Eric doesn't understand about him. he doesn't care if I call Eric. he only cares because Eric always makes me cry and hurts me and Micheaux doesn't want me to be hurt. so he wouldn't have cared. and Eric would've reacted exactly as he said. and I would have been hurt and come back crying exactly as he said. it was all so truthful. he apologized almost immediately because, well, I burst into tears as soon as he said it. but it was all true. that's why it hurt to hear.

I don't know. this moment in time is so weird. eh.
I am currently Clueless