It pains me so
05/28/2002 06:08 p.m.
I'm not sure if "lovesick" is the correct description for how I feel. Its more like "emotion sickness" but that wasn't on the list.
My ineptitude at talking to women has become a terrible burden to me now. Before it was something I could deal with because I thought being alone would be good for me, now that has gone away and I am left silent and alone.
I can't do anything when comes to meeting or talking with anyone of the fairer sex. With girls I don't know its a shyness thing I guess, but there is one I know, have known for awhile. And I am almost a hundred percent positive that I truly love her, and I can't do a thing about it. Why? Because I just can't get my feet to move, or my lips to open, or any other thing to let her know how I feel. And I'm pretty sure if I could let her know, I wouldn't, because if you want to look at it my way, Right now there is a chance, far off as it may be, there is one. If I ask her out or whatever and she shoots me down that chance is gone, and I will be more down then I already am.

I don't know what to do, and I thought maybe if I use this journal to see my words maybe it will help me.

Grr. Its frustrating, because I really like her, as I mentioned before. And I have known her for awhile, we sat next to each other in Geometery class in high school. I had such a huge crush on her. We would pass little notes, joking around about a bunch of stuff. It was semi-flirting, but on paper, so I didn't really have to talk, so it was fun. She was the reason I started writing poetry. Because I felt so much, and didn't know how to get it out, so I wrote, and wrote and wrote.
Later that year I saw her car at her house once, and stopped to talk to her, but she wasn't home. Tried again, she wasn't there. It was hard for me to see her with this loser at our school, I was so upset and I wrote my semi-jealous rant out in letter form and surprisingly I sent the damn thing. I waited, no reply. Earlier in class I had promised her a ride in my Camaro when I got it on the road, and I did, so I went to her house. She was there and we took a short ride, at the end of which I asked her about the letter.
She told me she got it, but hadn't written back yet, I could see in her eyes what she wanted to say, so I just said goodbye and left. I didn't see her again for awhile.

She is back in town now, and I've seen her a couple times where she works and she didn't seem to recognize me the first time, but did the second time and we talked a bit, but not about anything.

I'm sure she is seeing someone. My dad was there when she and I were talking and when we left I gave him the whole story I just wrote here, and he said "Just tell her you are interested and if she would like to get together to give you a call, then slide your number to her and its in her hands."

I didn't really respond to him, but if I were to do that, I would probably wait a week, maybe, then would be clawing at the walls cause she hadn't called, I would damn the feelings inside me, as I've done before, and swear to never let myself be hurt again.

From there two things would happen, one, she would finally call and I would feel spite for her from my curse on the feelings,
Second, and more likely, she would never call, and I would see her (just as it happened already) and I would be struck with the pain I have right now. So I could save myself some damn time and just crawl in a hole.

Damn my heart and all it can feel
To hell with dream, I wanted to be real,
Curse the love, I can't have or steal
Damn my heart and all it can feel
-REvon
I am currently Lovesick