Love, Anger, Thoughts, Feelings, and Resolutions
01/07/2002 07:39 p.m.
She just walked back into my life. Knowing that I was hurt, mad, and heart broken.
After I went to talk to her, I was talking with my best friend, my brother really. I told him
'I love her and I hate it. I wish I didn't.'
And he asked me, 'Which one?'
Then it occurred to me I didn't know.
He said, 'When you answer that you will know what you have to do.'
I was actually surprised at his insight, but then he proved himself to be a goofball by explaining another theory.
'We could hold a Bitch Trial. We'll tie rocks to her feet and throw her in a lake, if she floats, she is a bitch and you should forget her. But if she isn't a Bitch she will drown. And then...well..you know she wasn't a bitch.'

The insanity of his idea was refreshing after the bombardment of heavy serious thoughts on my mind.

But this is the weird part. I haven't slept good in a long time. But the night she told me she loved me and it was me or nobody for her, I slept great. Never woke up once, didn't even remember really laying down. Just sleep.

I don't know if that means anything, maybe it means I was just so exhuasted from the whole ordeal that I needed to finally crash down.

I think, with all of my sense, that she needs to be alone. For me to want her again, she must be alone for awhile. I hope it helps her to be her. Not someone's version of her.

It will take time, because I need time to get myself straightened out, heal, and whatever else I need to do, which I haven't figured out yet. But I think I'm going in the right direction.

Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I curse her, sometimes I need her, sometimes I despise her. But all the time I love her, and no matter what happens I probably will for the rest of my life.

I don't know what will happen, but I'm going to stand straight and take what comes and react in the way I think is best as well as what I feel is best.

And I will do this through my resolutions I have made for myself. Not really New Years, because they came to me afterwards, but whatever.
I'm not going to hold as much inside, no more swallowing my anger and sadness, I'm laying it out.
And a twist on that one, I'm going to try and be more forward, because I've been shy and quiet for too damn long and it doesn't seem to help me much.
And the truth will be my new sword to cut through the beast that is life, no more letting it cut at me.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to My heartbeat