Her Closure, My Closure
11/29/2001 02:13 a.m.
I got an email from my ex and I wanted to post it and my reply to it.
But it is very, very long. So be warned.
Hers:
I am writing this letter in hope for some closure for us both. It may be
given to you and it may not, but what will be said needs to be said. "I
love you", "thank you", "I am sorry", and "goodbye". I love you and I
probably always will in some special place in my heart. What I did was not
because I didn't love you. It was because I fell out of love with you and
gave up on our love for eachother. I do love you, though. I hope that you
will realize that some day. I also want to say thank you. Something that I never said enough. Thank you for loving me for who I was and always being true to me, eventhough I could not do the same for you in the end. Thank you for trusdting me and believing in all my promises, eventhough I betrayed you and broke every promise that I made to you. Thank you mostly for the memories; the good times, the bad times, the first times, and the discoveries of all the treasures that we found together. Thank you for giving me possibly one of the happiest times in my life. I hope that my behavior didn'y disgrace your memories that we made. Iam sorry if it did and for so many other things. I am sorry that I was too weak to hold on to
us and that I let us fall apart. I am sorry that I didn't have that strength or respect to end our relationship properly when I knew it was over. I am sorry that I betrayed you both physically and emotionally in a way unmeasurable. I so regret my behavior and wish that I could take back time to change it. I am so sorry for the pain and anger that I put you through. I am sorry for making you see what everyone else had been trying to show you all along. I am weak, selfing, and will do anything to serve my own purposes. But you see that now? I will get my own in time, I am certain of this fact. Life has a way of circling on itself. Until then I wish you health and happiness. When that day comes, I wish you all the deep satisfaction that you deserve after what I put you through. Above all these things, though, I wish you love. A love that will be true and loyal to you always. You are a good man, Ryan, and I hope that I didn't tarnish your beliefe in love. I wish you all the greatness that life has to offer.
Goodbye, Ryan. May God watch over you in your travels through life and
guide you to strength and forgiveness.

Mine:
Well, I feel I should reply, I don't know what exactly I'm going to say, I probably wont even send this, but I'll write the damn thing anyway. Its probably going to be sarcastic and dramatic, but I'll try my best to cut that back.
I'm sure you've figured it out already, but you have caused me the most pain and anger out of any person in my life, second to myself. I looked to you for a love I had never even dreamed of, and thought I had found it. But you just handed me my heart after you'd torn it out and stomped on it, twice.
They say you get out what you put in, and I'm not denying my part in the downfall of the love we shared.
But I tried to hold on, I wanted to hold on.
Because regardless of how many times you hurt me, the immense hatred that now rules my insides in any regard to you, and through the weight of the horrible feeling of being lied to repeatedly by the only soul in the whole world I trusted with my heart completely, even against all that shit, I still love you. And I can feel it now, I couldn't before we broke up, but I feel it now. Like a burning rock inside my gut its there. Because if I didn't I'm sure this whole thing wouldn't be so horrible, but it is, because you abandoned me. I know you had your own reasons and self-preservation is an instinct, but you didn't have to fuck me over at the same time, and it seems like you would try not to if you gave once
ounce of a shit about me.
Before I could care less, or at least I'd act like it, but now I've just decided to not hold back anymore. I wish I could hate you, it would make the whole damn mess a lot easier on me, but I don't and I can't. For the sole reason that I do love you, but I wish I could just forget that I do. I wish the burning pain would just wash away all the memories I have and all I’ve ever felt or may feel and may miss. But I know it won’t, and I’m just going to have to deal with it in the best way possible. That is one positive thing I guess that came out of this, I just decided that I can’t handle this anymore by myself, after losing the ones closest to me that were suppose to stick by me forever, and finding out the Evon family has a history of being manic depressants, I’ve realized I can’t do this alone anymore. So if you want you can look at it like, “yes, tearing Ryan’s heart out and lying to him about all the things he held more important than his own life, and finally betraying him, costing him another of his close friends, was a good thing because he is finally in therapy.” Don’t you feel good?
You said you hope that you hope you didn't tarnish my belief in love, you were the only one I've ever loved, I waited my whole life for you, I saved my myself for you, and I gave you everything I could and tried to give you more, it may not have seemed like it
but I wished I could have.
You didn't tarnish my belief in love, you broke it in half and stomped on the pieces. I built my whole idea of love out of what I felt for you and how I thought you felt for me, how you told me and "promised" me you felt. I just wonder now, was all of it bullshit?
Did you just say what you said to pass the time or what? Because I can’t tell, and if has
changed the way I look at the past.
Every good memory that I have of us now has a blanket of pain over it. I look at all we did and just wonder now, if you were actually the way you appeared or if you were just using me. All the things I wanted to give you and have with you, I can still see the picture of you and me in my mind, after Bobby Franklin Evon would be brought into the world, and I can't stop the tears from pouring down my face.
I was true to you, I only loved you. Every breath I took and let out was just one thing more to be around for you. It feels like all that time was wasted for nothing.
We weren't perfect and nothing is, but I thought we could get through anything. Side by side we could stand against any force, as long as we loved each other. And you promised me that you'd never hurt me. You'd never lie.
You make me feel like such a fucking dumb ass, because I believed you.
I didn't care what anyone said about you, what you had done, or what you were like, none of it mattered, because you were with me and nothing else matters as long as we were
together.
You tell me your sorry and you’d take it all back if you could, and you expect me to believe it? But I won’t believe it. Because I’ve believed too long and been lied to apparently just as long. And my money is riding on the fact that you are sorry, and you are just feeling guilty and want to try and ease the burden on your chest.
All of it was one big lie, and its over. You've got your new guy and you are going your own way. I hope someday you can find whatever it is that you are looking for, and you can hold on to it.
And I also hope someday in the future I'll be able to forget or at least forgive how much have hurt me. Someday we may even be able to talk to each other like adults. I don’t know when this will be, if ever, but we’ll just have to wait & see.
Goodbye Tamisha.

I am currently Empty