She had better be happy
10/17/2001 01:10 p.m.
Ever since this whole "depression" thing started, I have been numb for the most part. With some times when the feeling turns back on and I could enjoy things. Lately I have less and less to enjoy and when the feeling comes back on I only want it to shut off again so I don't have to deal with the pain.
They don't realize what they did to me. If Brad wasn't here I think I probably wouldn't be. He becomes more and more my brother every day, but I still hold back when I'm around him and Andrea.
I don't want to burden them with the overwhelming saddness I feel. Brad is mad for me, which I am thankful, and he wants blood just as much or even a little more then I do. He told me what he thinks of them and I'm glad I am not completely alone in my anger.
Most nights I lay in my bed and stare at the sparkles in the ceiling and think of the weekend we all went to Lake Huron. Tamisha and I sat under the stars and she saw the Milky Way colors for the first time, it was one of the best nights of my life. Now I curse myself for remembering and go to sleep angry, dreaming of horrible things I do to myself. They just don't care.
I hope she is happy, with her life free of me and all I must deal with, because she put me through enough pain she had better be happy.
I am currently Tired