Realization
10/15/2001 05:20 p.m.
I realized just now, so I had to right it down.
The whole time we were together, she always told me,
"I'm not going to hurt you like everyone else, I would never leave you."
I almost laughed when I thought of that, because I was starting to believe her.
She isn't who I thought she was and she never will be again. I don't even understand how she could do this.

Another realization I came upon, is why I have been so numb. That was apparently the start of us falling apart, my depression or whatever you wanna call it.
My Family has been telling me that from my great-grandma on my Dads side all the way to me and my sister are Manic Depressants. AND NOBODY TOLD ME!
My dad denies it, but my sister has apparently been going through all the things I'm going through.
That is just such a great thing to know, just for the fact it partly clears up what made me feel worse about, that I didn't know why I was so depressed. Now I actually have a reason, that in itself makes me happier.

But not much when I think that if I had known, maybe we wouldn't have fallen apart.
Maybe if I could have taken the steps to make myself better, I could have not lost her. Maybe if I could feel the loss it would drive me to try and get her back. Maybe if I knew before we had gotten together, I wouldn't have ever put her through the pain I did. Maybe I would be a better person.
I am currently Empty