Journal Entry
02/24/2002 07:43 a.m.
alienated is the first mood that fit, but lost is more appropriate but they don't have lost and apathetic is spelled incorrectly this is what i notice late at night when i've had too little sleep and feel like writing but i don't know what i feel like writing or to whom i feel like writing no poetry will come, not precisely, and i don't have a live journal so i guess this will do i think i'm going to go stare at the moon for a while first, though
the moon however is covered by clouds only occasionally peaking her visage through the cracks in the sky to peer down at insignificant me i can hear you now "you're not insignificant because i don't think you're insignificant" i guess that's why i love you because sometimes you're wiser than i'll ever be i admire you for it, i admire you because there are things that are a part of you that will never be a part of me, because you really do love me and love other people and i can't stand humanity and even though i can't stand humanity you still love me i'll be honest, i don't understand you, i don't understand what you see in me that i don't see magnified in other people; bah, i'm being obsequious again and i can't stand obsequity i can't stand my own mind to steal a line from the late allen ginsberg
i'm not abusing drugs if the drugs enjoy it
i need to get the fuck out of this city it's driving me crazy i can't stand it anymore every now and then i just need to leave to get the hell out always know when to get out of rochester and now is the time but my car died again the fucker this is the second time in as many months it wouldn't be so bad if my previous car hadn't died back in june and then again more permanently in august so right now i'm without a car and it's really starting to piss me off i have no luck with cars i hate them i can't tell you how much i hate them i should be in buffalo right now 80 miles away from this fucking city enjoying the night with friends drinking dancing reveling in sinless innocence but instead i'm stuck at home trying to think of something to write and yelling at the moon about my car troubles as if she can do anything to fix it
the content advisor helps protect our younger viewers because the things i write in this journal entry are going to scar some young child for life because i said fuck or i wrote about aggressive violence or death to humans yes this is going to change that child's life forever i think it's really to protect the parents they're the ones who are afraid to read what i write they're the ones who don't want to know about sex their children don't know about sin yet it's us adults who have been trained to feel guilty and ashamed about our actions
the world sickens me sometimes and now is one of those times maybe i should put some smashing pumpkins on but maybe i prefer the silence right now the not quite silence of the night frosty and cold the clouds covering over the naked moon even she feels guilty ashamed even she hides her body from sight god i miss you right nowi'm sick of sleeping alone all the time i want to feel you near me again and soon enough i will assuming i can figure a way to drive down there since i don't have a fucking car again it just stalled and never started again like an old man who has a heart attack you just watch him fall suddenly asleep and he never wakes up great that brought back memories that didn't need to be brought back right now fuck my mind my subconscious is out to get me i even named it upon the suggestion of a friend of mine it's called the Hand of Ulysses and it hates me i'm not sure why maybe because it's in conflict with my superego all the time because of those societally enforced moral standards that conflict with natural programming lousy judeo-christian ethical code
i learned a new word the other day rigmutton it means a wanton wench that is ready to ride upon men's backs or else to passively be their rompstall i do n't know what rompstall means but i think i can guess i'm going to start using that word as often as i can shit now i have to change the sex advisory too just in case some fourteen year old girl or her forty year old mother happen upon my newly formed online journal and figures out what rompstall means not that i'm bitter or anything
beer and wine and painkillers it's not abuse if they enjoy it
well fuck i might as well put some violence in too how about destruction of realistic objects yeah that'll do nothing too severe but not simply injury to human beings wait the fuckin' minute !! !! when the fucking hell did destruction of fucking realistic objects become more offensive to minors than injury to human beings!@?!?!?!?!?!m look at the advisory ratings: injury to human beings is lower than destruction of realistic objects! does this make sense to you? fuck! dammit, now i have to upgrade the language warning, because we all know that exposing children to the word fuck will turn them into social deviants with a penchant for violence i mean look at me!
right, so destruction of realistic objects: i hate my car, it's a black car, mistubishi mirage '91 that leaks oil like an italian (dammit a racial slur - up the language rating again!) and i think if i can ever start it again i'm going to drive 100 miles per hour assuming i can get the thing to even go that fast off an embankment with me seatbelt on so i'll survive but the car will be totaled just so i can watch the fucker get completely destroyed as it rolls end over end through guard rails and children (dammit - aggressive violence to humans, up the violence rating!) and finally comes to a halt on the neighbor's dog (notice animals aren't mentioned at all in the violence rating system) smoking and about to explode so i'll have just enough time to run the fuck away before it combusts into a fiery mushroom of burning death into the night sky and i'll laugh because i'm getting sick of that fucking car dying all the time not that i'm bitter or anything
does that count as wanton gratuitous violence? i don't think so, which is so great about a subjective rating system!! i think it's merely aggressive violence, therefore it's merely aggressive violence, and i haven't portrayed any sex crimes yet but wait prostitution is both a crime and involves sex, therefore it's a sex crime! haha, all i have to do is say the word whore and it ups the sex rating!
i'm going to go to the bathroom, i'll continue in a minute
okay i'm back and butthole surfers is stuck in my head giddy hanes' voice is repeating the same lines over and over again to psychotic music in the background of my diseased skull and i tihnk i 'm done for now so i'll just add this entry and call it a night unless i think to add something else in which case you'll see another entry right after this one
and, in closing, fuck the bozos! yeah, i think that's my mood, "fuck the bozos!"
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to the quiet hum of the fan in the hard drive