Journal Entry
08/11/2002 12:39 a.m.
I know in ten years none of this will matter. I know that, don't you think I know that? well.. I do. And I'm sure that in months I'll be planning a new wedding. Because false truths are my specialty. "never get too close" I should've known that I wasn't ready. It still hurts to joke about it, but it hurts worse not to. So i laugh loudly enough for everyone to know I really hate to be laughing about it. What was that last night? having second thoughts? Maybe.. about what, I'm not so sure. You're so good at being vague- you thrive in it. Nobody can know exactly what you're thinking because then you would be making a promise. and then you would be stuck. And now's not the time to be stuck-for you anyway. Such a bad word, so bad it makes me flinch. he said "not all guys are like that" i said "all seventeen year old guys are" he shook his yes before he disagreed, saying he wasn't like that. looks like you're the outsider there, and youre in your late thirties and married. I'll wait until then, not for you, don't worry. I wouldn't want to assume you'll be ready by then. I tried not to push you, I held back all of my childhood instincts to hold you and use that voice that makes me cringe when other people use it and hold your hand and just watch you. I followed your lead until you decided to stop leading. You cut the stupid little string that was holding us, barely, holding us. She doesn't understand the sacredness of it all, so she jumps on you, so she looks pretty around you. And so do i, hoping that old malfunction will spark again and I'll find us dating once more. But I'm dwelling.. I've been dwelling for the past year, why stop now? I stopped caring, started letting go and you told it to turn around and bite me in the butt. Thanks for that, and thanks for all of the little scars that won't show until one day I'll have to trust some guy, or (God forbid), you ever again. It's nice, you know, you taking advantage of my feelings towards you. It's creative how you twisted it around to hurt me. And the way you play naive and fun little we're-just-friends like "weve always been" that's nice. it excites me that we didn't talk much thursday, and that when i started talking to jon or christine or anna or keith, suddenly you had a mouth. that exciteds me. thank you for proving, oh so eloquently that you are human. and that i am not.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to john mayer-no such thing