first time for everything
08/03/2002 05:49 p.m.
maybe i was being selfish by asking miss donna if i could wait until tomorrow to clean. i want to see him today. its not like i told her no. besides, cyndi LIVES there, why cant she ever pitch in and clean sometimes? i feel like there is so much for me to live up to and lately ive been falling short of that. the only reason i feel like this is because of the situation between cyndi and me. and its not like im making all of this up in my head, when i mentioned that i might be going to the mall with "them," her mood dramatically changed and she was upset. i dont know what to do or how to approach her when she gets like that, so i get quiet too. is it just my responsibility to patch everything? its not my fault. shes the one getting upset about the littlest things. i dont understand. lately ive just gotten so tired of trying. its becoming like her justins relationship. its so redundant. now i know how he must have felt, not being able to make her happy. its the worst feeling, trying and trying to make someone happy with you and failing over and over again. so, can you blame me when i stop trying and go to other people who want to be my friend and let me be me without getting upset. i admit that i have been pulling away from her, and those are the reasons why. and i understand this is a hard time for her, but she doesnt want to talk about it with me, so i dont know how else to help her through it. and im not going to sit on the phone forever while she sits there quiet, making me feel guilty for trying to lead a semi-happy life. its so frustrating to love a friend so much and not be able to talk to them or hang out with them. ive got a lot of good things going on in my life right now and because of that one speck of dirt, that one speck of unhappiness, i cant enjoy it without feeling guilty. and she wonders why i dont want to be around her.
I am currently Unsure
I am listening to eat sleep-lisa loeb