I picked up smoking again: December 29th, 2001.
12/29/2001 04:48 a.m.
I picked up smoking again after a lapse of almost sixteen months. There are two reasons for this. One is that I needed an immediate escape route and secondly I was of the opinion that my giving up of smoking did not serve the purpose I had intended to give it up for.
I had given up smoking for two reasons. One is that I was intensely in need of some thing to get into a constant conflict with and cigarette was the best thing I thought since this self of mine had built up associations with virtually every thing, person, place, shape, color, sound and moods. I knew that every object of association will remind me of smoking and my decision of not smoking shall get me in to a conflict with my habit of smoking (so to say), which shall remind me of the suggestion I gave to my self while giving up smoking and that this will enable me to remember myself and my resolve. This intended self of mine will thus win all the associations (and they were numerous) I had with smoking. This process will help me de-energize my smoking self and in the process this will help me attain some unity within.
But despite giving up smoking I failed to gain what I had intended, since all through the conflict I remained PASSIVE and the momentum of the process of my journey towards ONENESS was lost. There were various other reasons, which became real barriers.
The second reason which as a matter of fact was to be the part of the effect of the first reason was to gain control. Smoking, because I can’t give it up and not smoking, because of the fear that I shall pick this habit again, tantamount to the same. There’s no control. I want a state where in I want the control. If I want to smoke I shall smoke. If I don’t want to I shall not. I don’t want the Cigarette to smoke me. I don’t want the non-smoking to smoke me. The oneness with in alone can provide me this control since I shall have just one self
The moment I decided to pick up smoking again I also decided to give it up again once my need for an escape route subsides. I am thoroughly used to smoking and once my smoking self reestablishes his association I shall give it up again, slowly and this time, ACTIVELY so that this giving up serves my purpose and that purpose is not just giving up smoking for the sake of giving up. Smoking or no smoking, both are same if you do not have any control. What difference my smoking will make if I am DEAD and I smoke. Its better to be ALIVE and smoke. But once you are ALIVE you have the control. At least an INTENT.

I am currently Alienated