December 1st, 2001
12/15/2001 05:05 a.m.
I am suffering from a disease. My realization says that I inherited this with my genetic codes. Its like my basic urge, WILL TO SURVIVAL (Freudian and Adlerian and Franklian might dispute and claim what Freud or Adler or Frankl claimed as to the basic human urge, but well for clarity I want to add that Pleasure, power or meaning can be different manifestations of this basic urge of will to survival. Imagine a stress situation- fight or flight- and one would know what’s the basic urge). Interestingly this disease is opposite of this basic urge of WILL TO SURVIVAL (holy cow, I want to laugh out loud- I am also remembering somebody with love and affection) and I would happily name it DEATH INSTINCT.
Yes, I have inherited this disease and I believe that its part of those DNA codes along with that basic urge of survival.
It’s a paradoxically state and the beauty is that this is what is keeping me alive and I am still not a dead soul with or without a soul.
The beauty of the disease is that this always gives you an impression of living.
I don’t mind living this disease, the death instinct, because this alone I feel can fill my life and being with every thing beautiful provided I am prepared and if I become capable of fighting this disease that is living this disease from moment to moment, I should be able to perpetuate this realization of this disease, I would be living. Unfortunately the problem is that invariable the disease lives you (considering other case histories) and by the time one realizes of its presence (which normally no body) and try to control it, it’s a bit late. Late because you are so full of this DEATH INSTINCT that you just cannot hold your run towards death. It’s invariably late (this is based purely on my experience).
As a matter of fact it’s always late.
It’s a disease, which I believe, knowledgeable named it as ‘KAUNDABUFFER’, a buffer between our lives and us. And which the knowledgeable claimed that the idiots misinterpreted as accumulators of energies, the spring coil of energies- the legendary KUNDALINI. (With change of mouth how a life taking disease becomes life giver- ha ha ha )



I am currently Affectionate