november 30th, 2001
11/30/2001 03:08 a.m.
I am ‘I’ at the moment and unhappy. This is invariably normal, when I get up in this ‘I’, in the morning. Invariably, I am in this ‘I’, when I get up. (Though for a moment or two, some times). How can this ‘I’ be happy? He is weak and needs CHARGE. My STOPPING and writing will provide him some CHARGE but how long will the CHARGE last? Our MACHINE (the system- centers, their functions etc) is so made that if left to operate on its own (which it does all the time owing to the externals, subject to the laws) it will exhaust all kind of energies. The intellectual center (which is bloody- oh! I am getting desperately angry- ha! ha!- because of the associations) is not capable of intentionally thinking for even one minute on any given subject (we invariably think mechanically, owing to defective working of our MACHINE). Our Intellectual center consumes our mechanical energies meant for car driving. Ha! Ha! Ha! (This energy is finer than the so-called intellectual energies). Out intellectual center has become so used to finer energies that not only it thinks mechanically, consuming mechanical energies (but well, there’s no dearth of this energies, we keep on refilling it, INTUTIVELY, with every breathe we inhale), it also consumes our little precious ‘emotional’ energies, mostly in self pity, anger and hatred and none the less, it also consumes sexual energies by way of thinking about, imagining and projecting sexual desires, its nothing but a commonly committed criminal waste of this spiritual energy. Ha! Ha! Ha!
What do I do? This unhappiness is sort of a perennial unhappiness but only so far I am in this ‘I’, lacking energies. I shall be in the ‘labyrinth of escape roots’ in some time now. I shall be in the ‘stream’, moving aimlessly. A moment here, a moment there, depending mainly on the law of accident clubbed with the law of cause and effect clubbed with the other various laws including the law of change, and forget about this unhappiness. I will be happy or unhappy for different reasons depending upon associations and associated selves. You bloody nature (Mother nature ha! ha! ha!), what are you doing to me? There cannot be a nature without a mechanism and there cannot be mechanism without the laws. And one cannot attain any thing unless one defies the laws. How can one be liberated unless one jumps the walls of the prison? And what is a prison without the laws of the prison?
We are part of this nature
This mechanism
And the laws.
How do you defy them all?
How do you defy the nature, your mother
How do you defy the mechanism, you experience the mechanism with?
How do you jump these unseen heights of this infinite prison?
How do you do that?

But I want to jump these invisible walls. And I lack energies. And I am unhappy.
My unhappiness is the only proof of my being ALIVE. At least at this moment.



I am currently Unhappy