november 17th, 2001
11/17/2001 02:51 p.m.
Last three days had been quite boring. This was the first thought I found lingering in my skull when I got up this morning. The total out put in terms of Pleasure, Power (Charge) and meaning worked out to be a big zero, when I worked out without working out. I am sitting here and wondering (it’s just an expression because I don’t think I really ever wonder) as to why did I allow this to happen, as to why did I allow these three days to end up in being so boring.
I had, as usual, earmarked half of my targeted lifetime’s work for these three days.

I targeted
Half of my journey
In the ensuing three days
But at the end of these
I found myself
Roaming in the escape routes
In my yesterdays.

The question is, why did this happen? The answer lies in the question arising out of the question and the question is that why did I allow this to happen? Another question arising out of this question is that if this was a happening, where was ‘I’ and if there was an ‘I’, was it a genuine ‘I’?
The answer lies again in the question. Need less to say that an ‘I’ means an ‘I’. A real ‘ I’ means a real ‘I’, a self-created ‘I’ (contrary to the ‘I’ created accidentally by external influences) who can be a true representative of our Being (as a matter of fact when personality merges into the essence and they both merge into this ‘I”, this ‘I’ alone exists and becomes the epitome of a true WILL). Undisputedly, this real ‘I’ is also an out come of external influence, but this ‘I’ is created in the process of a thought process and has not been begotten in the evolutionary process, accidentally, This is created by a real doing that is Undoing and is not an out come of any happening. This ‘I’ is always intentional.

Well, despite all the philosophizing, I can still justify (as we always do) my non-doing in the last three days.
What can one expect from a person devoid of any kind of fulfillment, living in a constant fear. This fear, because of a constant feeling of helplessness, has transformed into a void. yes, I am full of void. (The only source, which could have filled this void, has blocked the outflow bound by its own situation. Though the source has been kind enough to ask me to see it vibrating and assume the transmission of fulfillment and I do see it vibrating though a bit subdued, but those vibrations don’t reach me because they are intentionally blocked. It vibrates but it’s not being transmitted) My justification is that one tends to become passive in such a void. My justification is that one tends to become disinterested in such a void. My justification is that one tends to become indifferent in such a void.
But despite my justifications, the fact remains that I WAS NOT and I did nothing because I WAS NOT. My passive presence was as good as being absent. I was bored because of the happenings /absence of any happening (non happening is an happening from nature’s point of view since the factors effecting happening/non-happening are the same). The point is why did I leave it to happen? The point is if there was an ‘I’ what was it doing/ undoing? The point is that what was ‘I’ doing/undoing to undo the happening/non-happening?


I can justify my passivity, my absence in so many ways. But the fact shall remain that I WAS NOT and I failed to DO any thing to counter my absence. What is important is my presence. How does it matter if I was absent on a Monday or a Friday, if I was absent? How does it matter if I was absent at my work place or at home or at a theater, if I was absent. How does it matter if Monday was a holiday and Friday a long day if I was absent?
I remember my nagual’s counter part reminding me to return to the basics. Yes, I should have remembered that, remembered to remember that reminder from my Nagual’s counterpart:

Return to the basics-
She said- when you are adrift
And the basics say-
Be here and now
Moment to moment.

Whenever you are here
This moment
There would be a ‘you’
And a you
Pitted against ‘you’
There would be a conflict
Inevitable
Let the war go on
You know who is to win.

Return to the basics-
She said-when you are weak
And the basics say-
Be here and now
Moment to moment.

The basics are adroit enough of
Making you ascend heights invisible
The basics are masters of
Creating oneness inside
The basics are skilful in
Healing the injuries and pain
The basics are competent of
Pulling you out from certain death

Return to the basics-
She said- when you fall
The basics will provide you
Energies to climb back again

Basics say- be here and now
Moment to moment.



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The basics are here
And there cannot be a now
Without a here
The fear cannot touch you here
The death cannot kill you now.

Return back to the basics
When ever you do not have any place to go.







I should have known that I can’t fill emptiness with the emptiness. But when one is left with nothing but emptiness the only course is to become one with the emptiness as if one is the emptiness. One can thus fill the emptiness with one’s presence. Why did I fail in filling emptiness with my presence? I shall not fail, I know, if I will stop hating Fridays. I shall not fail, I know,if I will stop describing days as boring.
I will become capable of fulfilling emptiness with the presence if I will return back to the basics,as my nagual’s counter part suggested.
I am feeling better now.

I am currently Detached