septem 30th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:12 a.m.
I am in the middle of the night, 3 AM to be exact, and shivering despite being covered by two thick quilts. My wife was generous enough to shut down the air conditioner despite complaining of the heat. I can sense my body fighting the infectious viruses. I can feel the conflict going on inside me. I am not happy a person right now and I am happy about it.
Tom said that I should feel grateful for what he and my family did to me when I was abroad. My Mom went to places claiming that I was in league with some religious sect abroad, which kept me away from my duties and my faith.
But why am I mad at them for saying what they said?
Did I expect anything else from them?
Do I still have any hopes left?
Can I change them?
I can only change myself
By stopping to react and
By treating them as NOBODY.
I should know better that the crowd has to be treated like a crowd and spoken in their language. I should have known that:

The crowd always takes you for granted
When they feel secure
Keep them on tenterhooks.

The crowd always treats you like a disposable
When you are easily accessible
Keep them on tenterhooks

The crowd always reacts to their needs, fears and situations
You act to your need, their fears and situations
Keep them on tenterhooks

Don’t feel hurt for the crowd can never change
Pity them and keep aloof
Keep them on tenterhooks

The only course is to bring a change in you
By not reacting to them
And keeping them on tenterhooks.

But why am I talking all this. I don’t think this has any meaning any more. Words have started losing its meaning.

The word doesn’t mean anything in it self
It’s the mean-er who gives meaning to it
The meanest can become the greatest
The greatest might become mean.


The words are losing their meaning
Shall I now opt for the wordlessness?
To speak for me.

The words are failing to transcend
The threshold of the intelligence
Do I keep them uttering
Or shall I stop
And let the wordlessness speak for me
To her
To me.

I have decided to use words
Seldom
I am afraid
They might stop registering their presence felt.



I am currently Reflective