septem 29th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:10 a.m.
I wasnt in god shape when I returned from my office at 7 in my evenings. My body was aching, particularly my shoulders, arms and legs. I had a severe headache and my acidity level was high. My eyes were burning, watery and I was feeling dizzy. I was scheduled to meet a friend on line at 7.30. I decided to relax a bit so that I sounded comfortable and good, when on line.
One of my close acquaintances appeared uninvited at 7.15. I was left with no choice then to entertain him, though I was anxious if I could sustain that hour without his knowing about the state of my health. I was, all along, worried that I might fall unconscious and if that happens that would be shameful. After all I was dizzy. I went to my bed room conscious of my walking, took a pill of high Blood pressure and returned auto suggesting my self that I will remain alert and watchful and I shall not let me down.
My discomfort and painfulness went ten folds in the beginning as a result of my trying to remain watchful. But when I succeeded in becoming one with the pain and the discomfort, it wasnt bothering me despite being there. It was as if I was the pain and nothing mattered.
A mosquito landed on the back of my palm and bit me while we were discussing the world affairs, as part of my entertaining him, though disinterestedly. I watched the bloody fellow in my alertness, from moment to moment, injecting the infectious fluid inside my skin on the back of my palm.
I waited on my friend, I hinted my friend, to depart early. Either he failed to register the suggestion or refused to take the cue. He left at 9pm.
After a short bath and a reluctant light dinner I retired to my bed. The real story of my discomfort starts from here. The moment I lied down in my bed I realized that I was sick and my uneasiness, my heaviness, pains and aches were all on the increase. Over and above, I was sure that I was suffering from malaria since I was shivering and I was sure I was having fever too.
My uneasiness was acute. My heart was sinking. I was damn sure that I was to have a heart attack in the course of the night. I had a peculiar sensation in my head and I was also sure that if I will survive heart attack I wont be able to survive brain hemorrhage. I was totally in the grip of fear.
I told my wife that I was dying. In response she said that I should stop talking nonsense and let her sleep. Bitterly I said, OK, you may have a sweet sleep woman but you are bound to wake up a widow next morning. I also asked her to not to inform my cosmic wife of my demise, all of a sudden and to tell her in due course that I was worried about her in my last moments. Also that I shall be waiting for her in my next life (if theres any) and she should ascertain where to be begotten since I dont want her to take birth 170000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 miles away from me.
Fear always procreates fear. Fear always projects fear. And I was under the tight grip of fear.
But one of my selves, who have association with fear, got energized and became alert. He decided that he would not surrender easily. I decided to remain alert and watchful so that I can remain alive and defy death when it punches her last blow. I was sure I would avoid that blow. I instantly fell in a sort of moment-to-moment state despite my discomfort, despite the pain and uneasiness.
In the course of my moment to moment state I realized, and realized in peacefulness that:

1. What is going to happen shall happen and my being present and watchful can alone help me avoid the happening if I ever succeeded in avoiding it. I remembered my cosmic wife telling me of a definite car accident she could avoid only because she was in a state of Moment to Moment.
2.
I really do not know as to what actually is going to happen. My fears are my projections and projections of my fear. I may not die today. Instead I may die of a car accident, or of a building collapse, tomorrow, I am not aware of yet. So, the best course in such a state would be to remain alert and watchful so that if theres a car accident or a building collapse or any other cause, taking place tomorrow, I can avoid it like my cosmic wife did once.
3. Fearlessness can alone defy fear and bring desired results. Fearlessness is an ACT where as Fearfulness is a REACTION. When my cosmic wife decided to Act in fearlessness, no body could stop her from reaching me all the way from Centauri.

And suddenly I realized I was laughing. Yes, I was laughing loudly. I was laughing on myself. On my idiocity. My laughter detached me from my scared self.
I am happy that my laughter did not wake up my wife. She definitely would have called for aid, thinking that I have gone insane. I was never so healthy in the course of the day as I was now despite my uneasiness, despite my discomfort.



I am currently Strong