septem 29th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:10 a.m.
I wasn’t in god shape when I returned from my office at 7 in my evenings. My body was aching, particularly my shoulders, arms and legs. I had a severe headache and my acidity level was high. My eyes were burning, watery and I was feeling dizzy. I was scheduled to meet a friend on line at 7.30. I decided to relax a bit so that I sounded comfortable and good, when on line.
One of my close acquaintances appeared uninvited at 7.15. I was left with no choice then to entertain him, though I was anxious if I could sustain that hour without his knowing about the state of my health. I was, all along, worried that I might fall unconscious and if that happens that would be shameful. After all I was dizzy. I went to my bed room conscious of my walking, took a pill of high Blood pressure and returned auto suggesting my self that I will remain alert and watchful and I shall not let me down.
My discomfort and painfulness went ten folds in the beginning as a result of my trying to remain watchful. But when I succeeded in becoming one with the pain and the discomfort, it wasn’t bothering me despite being there. It was as if I was the pain and nothing mattered.
A mosquito landed on the back of my palm and bit me while we were discussing the world affairs, as part of my entertaining him, though disinterestedly. I watched the bloody fellow in my alertness, from moment to moment, injecting the infectious fluid inside my skin on the back of my palm.
I waited on my friend, I hinted my friend, to depart early. Either he failed to register the suggestion or refused to take the cue. He left at 9pm.
After a short bath and a reluctant light dinner I retired to my bed. The real story of my discomfort starts from here. The moment I lied down in my bed I realized that I was sick and my uneasiness, my heaviness, pains and aches were all on the increase. Over and above, I was sure that I was suffering from malaria since I was shivering and I was sure I was having fever too.
My uneasiness was acute. My heart was sinking. I was damn sure that I was to have a heart attack in the course of the night. I had a peculiar sensation in my head and I was also sure that if I will survive heart attack I wont be able to survive brain hemorrhage. I was totally in the grip of fear.
I told my wife that I was dying. In response she said that I should stop talking nonsense and let her sleep. Bitterly I said, OK, you may have a sweet sleep woman but you are bound to wake up a widow next morning. I also asked her to not to inform my cosmic wife of my demise, all of a sudden and to tell her in due course that I was worried about her in my last moments. Also that I shall be waiting for her in my next life (if there’s any) and she should ascertain where to be begotten since I don’t want her to take birth 170000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 miles away from me.
Fear always procreates fear. Fear always projects fear. And I was under the tight grip of fear.
But one of my selves, who have association with fear, got energized and became alert. He decided that he would not surrender easily. ‘I’ decided to remain alert and watchful so that I can remain ‘alive’ and defy death when it punches her last blow. I was sure I would avoid that blow. I instantly fell in a sort of moment-to-moment state despite my discomfort, despite the pain and uneasiness.
In the course of my moment to moment state I realized, and realized in peacefulness that:

1. What is going to happen shall happen and my being present and watchful can alone help me avoid the happening if I ever succeeded in avoiding it. I remembered my cosmic wife telling me of a definite car accident she could avoid only because she was in a state of Moment to Moment.
2.
I really do not know as to what actually is going to happen. My fears are my projections and projections of my fear. I may not die today. Instead I may die of a car accident, or of a building collapse, tomorrow, I am not aware of yet. So, the best course in such a state would be to remain alert and watchful so that if there’s a car accident or a building collapse or any other cause, taking place tomorrow, I can avoid it like my cosmic wife did once.
3. Fearlessness can alone defy fear and bring desired results. Fearlessness is an ACT where as Fearfulness is a REACTION. When my cosmic wife decided to Act in fearlessness, no body could stop her from reaching me all the way from Centauri.

And suddenly I realized I was laughing. Yes, I was laughing loudly. I was laughing on myself. On my idiocity. My laughter detached me from my scared self.
I am happy that my laughter did not wake up my wife. She definitely would have called for aid, thinking that I have gone insane. I was never so healthy in the course of the day as I was now despite my uneasiness, despite my discomfort.



I am currently Strong