septem 26th, 2001
11/13/2001 05:03 a.m.
I have decided to pray to the GOD. My GOD has to be THE GOD, beyond all the so-called gods, created by the crowd, of the crowd, for the crowd.
The question, which is bothering me right now is, how do I start my prayers. Every member of the crowd will laugh at my dilemma, make fun of me, and ridicule me. They have all been praying their gods all through their lives and there has been absolutely no dilemma what so ever as to how to start a prayer. THEY (the crowd) can pray as and when they want and go and hurt their neighbors the very next moment. They can even ask for god’s blessings for the murder they are under contractual obligation. they can pray and rape, rape and pray. No body can stop a potential murderer, a potential rapist, a potential persecutor, and a potential warmonger to pray. Even god can’t stop them. And they do not have any dilemma what so ever as to how to start a prayer.
But I am in dilemma as to how to start my prayers.
I have decided to not to be concerned with the crowd since it’s my decision to pray.
Shall I simply petition the god or shall I repeat what I intend to pray and ask for? Shall I do it in silence or shall I repeat loudly?
I have seen members of the crowd praying, in silence and not being present, by repeating their prayers hundreds of times while thinking of something else, and all the time wanting to hurry through their prayers, deceiving their gods. Can the crowd stop thinking of what he was thinking while praying? CAN HE?
Can he hold his attention from being carried away by his thoughts associated with objects external? CAN HE?
CAN ONE PRAY IF ONE IS NOT?
In any case, I have decided to not to be concerned with the crowd. I have decided to pray to the god and I shall pray.
There’s another dilemma bothering me right now. What am I going to pray?
Shall I start with praising him like I find in many prayers and then ask for what I want to ask for? Is it me seeking something from the god or is it god seeking my praise? God SEEKING PRAISE FROM THE crowd?
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
I know of many prayers, which start with, oh! God, you are this, you are that, please give me this.
Well, I have decided to avoid buttering god. Instead I will straight away come to the point and pray and ask what I want to ask. I shall stick to what I want from HIM.
I have decided to tell and ask HIM- I want to pray you my God. Help me pray you my Lord.
Unfortunately I know that this cannot become my prayer just by my repeating it and reciting it ten thousands times. I shall have to experience my prayers, not mechanically but with my body, my mind, my feelings and my soul (if I have any).
When I say- I want to… I must think and realize every thing about my ‘I’, rather ‘I’s’, the fact that this ‘I’ resolving to prayer is just a weak thought and in order to strengthen it what I must do. I must know and realize that this weak praying ‘I’ will be replaced by some other ‘I’, some other thought and so on. HOW IS ONE TO PRAY IF ONE IS NOT ONE. HOW IS ONE TO PRAY IF ONE DOESN’T HAVE A REAL ‘I’ BUT MULTITUDE OF ‘I’S’, PETTY, CLAMOROUS AND CONTRADICTORY.
But I want to pray. One of my selves has decided to pray. My dilemma right now is what am I to do, when I will be not me, not the ‘I’ who has resolved to pray but some body else not wanting to pray? Wanting something else? What will I do when, while I am praying, some other petty ‘I’, thinking of what I am to get in dinner, will replace me? What am I to do when, while praying, some of my hurt ‘I’s’ will rake up some hurt feelings and start abusing my persecutors?
I know I will be lost. I will be not. I will not be praying.
It goes without saying that if I want to pray I shall have to BE. Be a man and not automata, not multitude of ‘I’s’. I want to BE who can DO, who can perform a prayer.
In order to BE, I shall have to remember. I shall have to remember the resolve that I HAVE TO be IN ORDER TO PRAY.
I MUST REALIZE THAT HOW LITTLE WE REMEMBER WHAT WE DECIDE. We decide something and simply forget. I shall have to remember that we simply forget because we are not one. We should be able to reflect on every word of the prayer and its meaning. Our limitations, our shortcomings and how to come over our limitations and our shortcomings. Words lose meaning when they are repeated or sung mechanically.

“ God have mercy upon me”- This is mans appeal to God. His petition.
But one must think when one prays as to what God is and what he is? Is he worthy of God? Is he worth that the god should take notice of him, think of him? What is that in him that is worth thinking about, worth taking notice of? What he must do to become worthy of gods notice? And these thought will precisely bring the change in him what prayers will. These thoughts will precisely do to him what he is praying the god to do to him.
It would be absolutely ridiculous if a thief, instead of fighting his evil, would pray to god- “ god have mercy upon me”.
On the contrary he will become worthy of a prayer when he gets into conflict with his evil self.
God have mercy upon me.


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