I want my composure back-septem 12th, 2001
11/13/2001 02:18 a.m.
Yesterday, the beginning of my day wasn’t bad, despite my being so un-at-ease.My journal writing exercise helped me to not only resolve my uneasiness to certain extent but also to help me regain my concentration. I was never at peace with myself in the last so many days, as I was yesterday morning, after an hour of journal writing.This composure did not last long. My anxiety returned back by 10 AM. And with this, I was in the grips of hopes once again. I became all ears. I was waiting for the telephone to ring. I did my arithmetic, calculating and recalculating the time. I was waiting. I was hoping. All the while, while I was hoping and waiting, I was also remembering and auto suggesting that I had resolved to live in hopelessness. I found that I was in a great conflict, between hopefulness and hopelessness, between hopes and not wanting to hope.I also remembered that I had also decided to write a thirty-minute moment-to-moment account of my inner conflict, every day, by trying to hold my attention. I thought I was in a great situation for commencing ‘a thirty-minute moment-to-moment account of my inner conflict’. This would be a good title, I thought. I will account for this writing under this title every day. But then I was all ears. My attention was stuck to the telephones. But then I wanted to remain watchful so that my hoping selves don’t take charge of me. But then there were several workers working in my house and I was wanted everywhere. But then I was to concentrate on the seven feet Sphinx I was constructing by moulding and laying layers of used pink stone slabs and I had decided to spend half of my day there, with my workers. But then there were phone calls, more than normal, since I had resumed production at my factory. But then I was anxious and hoping and wanting to just hope and wait and wait and hope and hope and wait and do nothing. Its here where I lost my composure.But still I thought, what a great situation. A situation I ought to use for practicing hopelessness (ha! ha! ha!). I am laughing now. I did not laugh then.The conflict I was in wasn’t humorous.I failed to sit and write. I failed to hold my hopes dead. So I left my house, a bit early, than I had planned. I was dying either way, in hoping or in not hoping.I tried to hold myself in the office. I was scheduled to prepare a lengthy legal document running into several pages in the afternoon. And I did, though partly. I was struggling. I was unhappy that I was struggling so much. Ultimately I lost control. I am happy that at least I struggled and did not surrender so easily.What a pride? I am such an idiotic fellow. HA! HA! HA!P.S: I got up as usual, at 5.30Am. And I remember, I did some mechanical thinking before I actually got up. I feel good that it wasn’t prolonged and that I did not doze off, despite the fact that I still have to catch lots of sleep.My Blood Pressure seems to be normal (I feel ashamed when I talk of my blood pressure. If I can’t control my blood pressure, I think, I am good for nothing) though I shall continue to take half a pill every day as a precautionary measure. My acidity level is low. The good part is that I am not so worried a man. I just want my composure back. I want my composure back.Yesterday I was asked if I wanted my life back. And I said-‘YES’. I repeat, GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK. MY LIFE.
I am currently Bothered