septem 11th, 2001
11/13/2001 02:16 a.m.
It is 4.30, early in the morning. I am sitting here, reclined against my bed rest, after an hours struggle with in, after I had had washed my eyes and face and drank my water, like a robot.My eyes are watery; so much that water is flowing down my cheeks. This has to be either because of the high blood pressure or because of lack of sleep. There’s a constant burning in my eyes.My chest is heavy. This is not physical, though I can feel the burning sensation inside, which is physical.There’s a continuity of pain in my shoulders. Some times, I feel it in the left, some times in the right and some times in both of my shoulders.I have a history of this and I think this tends to emerge whenever I am weak, physically or mentally. Lack of sleep can be one of the causes.There’s heaviness in my head. This I think, is psychosomatic and physical, as well. Lack of sleep can again be one of the causes. My legs are achy too, particularly the lower part. But that’s not my worry since I know that this is purely physical.The uneasiness prevails and I need sleep.I remember, I experienced, more or less, the same kind of uneasiness last year.But then I had felt threatened.What’s the cause of this uneasiness? Do I feel threatened in some way? Am I not getting the quality vibrations I have become used to? What’s the cause of this prolonged uneasiness? My uneasiness is making me uneasy.I have no answers and I am not going to grope for one. I just want to come out of this uneasiness, some how. I am feeling so lonely (its so well pronounced and the impact of the realization so sudden that I have started wondering). I am hardly talking these days. I have set such a huge task for my self. My goal. My journey. And the train keeps on deluding me. It leaves the station every time before I could board it.My uneasiness prevails and I am in a do or die situation. What do I do? DO? DIE?DO or DIE? What?I am knocking my head as if I know the answer and I have the required capacity for either. If it is DEATH, it’s going to be a happening. If it’s DO, its ME and I know I still do not have the courage or the capacity to challenge or defy the laws.I must gather myself together.There’s another thought, which is nagging me right now. I was postponing this thought from surfacing since quite some time.In the wake of my feeling that I am probably not getting the same kind of quality vibrations I am used to, I think that I am also not transmitting the vibrations of the same quality I was so far transmitting. This also means that those close to me must be lacking, wanting and hoping. How do I tell them that I am so empty these days? I lack quality vibrations. I need something in order togive. I ought to have something in order to give. I feel sad.Can I live in hopelessness? So that there’s no give and take relationship.There’s only give and give and one feels happy in just giving. There are no associations based on hopes.Hopelessness! You are full of love, vibrating love, vibrating in love,transmitting love. Nothing but love in hopelessness.This sounds so beautiful. Love will attain new heights in hopelessness.Hopes shall become beautiful in hopelessness.Now I must start gathering myself.I ought to relax for a while now.It is 6.45 and I know I dozed off for a while. I am feeling relaxed and much better now.I am resolving to use my diary writing by observing and penning every detail of the conflict that I might get into while trying to gather myself. In other words, I will hold my attention and depict the struggle that I am bound to have with my other selves who would try and carry my attention away, drawing energies from the association of thoughts.Diary writing can be used in gathering oneself. And I am going to use it every day.I hope. Oh! How can I hope in hopelessness? I am smiling and I am happy that I am smiling. My face must be looking very awkward with that genuine smile I smiled after so many days.
I am currently Depressed