septem 6th, 2001
11/02/2001 02:00 p.m.
Yesterday late evening, while waiting for somebody on line, in all suddenness, I started feeling tired and sleepy. After a couple of hours of deep slumber, I started feeling uneasy- uneasy about everything. Why is this world so idiotic?Why do people behave the way they do? Why do they all keep on justifying their acts when they are not responsible for what they are doing? Why are they not DOING? Why are they tormenting her? Why can’t they leave her alone?The uneasiness was more pronounced than the thoughts. I wasn’t angry. I was charged with emotions.The uneasiness did not allow me to sleep. The uneasiness lead me to a scene in which I saw the world existing though I was gone. Few lines emerged on the surface and in order to jot down those lines, I got up and found that it was 4AM. The lines were:Every thing here Would remain hereWhen I am goneOne dayWhy am I feeling so attached to them?There used to be a time, and quite many days, when I used to feel attached to every thing in a very detached way. I used to derive pleasure from everything ina detached manner. I was just happy. I had accepted happiness as something internal and I had decided to remain happy internally in every situation. No complaints. No expectations. Just happy. Hopelessly. But I am feeling so unhappy right now. I am trying to meditate to blunt the effect of this uneasiness. I am tying to hold my attention. I want to doze off.I want to sit up and write.Every effort on my part is resulting into nothing.I am still head deep in that uneasiness and I don’t know how to come out of it.
I am currently Restless