septem 4th, 2001
11/02/2001 03:18 a.m.
It is 3 Am now, in the middle of the night. I was busy doing my morning mechanical thinking exercise for the last one-hour. The only good part about this hour was that I observed and observed myself a bit closely, though in jumps. There used to be a time when I used to get up at 3.30 as a routine. This was normal and I wasn’t used to any mechanical thinking in my waking hours in those days. I used to feel completely rested and neutrally happy about waking and getting up so early. I used to read and write a lot in those days.The first thing that I observed today, when I got up at around 2 AM, was that, that I wasn’t happy. And that, that I was in an emotional state of mind. The second thing that I observed was that my emotional self was trying to feel indifferent, out of self-pity and helplessness, I suppose. Normally, one gets up in the middle of the night like this, when one is extremely unhappy and his world is threatened.No doubt that my external world isn’t the same as it used to be. No doubt that I am passing through a crisis and my routine isn’t the same as it used to be. But there’s some thing more which seems to be the cause of this emotional state of mind.Intellectually I can argue that events are interrelated and that the good and the bad are relative, relative even to a given time, given situation; the so called bad may lead one to the good; the so called bad may turn into god etc; but my system feels threatened. There are ‘I’s which feels uneasy, unhappy. There are ‘I’s who feels comfortable in yesterdays. They always want their yesterday. The yesterdaywas intact. Today isn’t intact hence they feel threatened and uncomfortable?We are so used to our old dreams that we always want to walk back in to it knowing well that it was a dream and one cannot walk back into a broken old dream.But my cause of this emotionalism seems to be different. My cause of this emotionalism is an emotional crisis. The cause of this emotional crisis it seems is that I returned from my energy source unfulfilled and empty handed many a times yesterday since the doors of this energy source were closed. But still I feel there’s some thing more than this, since the intensity of this emotional crisis is too acute. It’s too acute to happen in a day’s time.It is 5 AM now and I have spent the major part of the last two hours suffering from the emotional crisis, writing and in mechanical thinking. The only thing that I would have preferred but did not do was dozing off. But I feel like lying down again. I am tired but I feel so uncomfortable and so in emotional crisis. What’s happening?
I am currently Restless