septem 3rd, 2001
11/01/2001 01:31 a.m.
It is 6.30 A.M. I just got up after waking up at 5.30 and as usual, living my death. I feel frustrated. I feel angry. I feel like shouting. I feel like hurling choicest abuses towards nature. The so-called Mother Nature. The evil (from my point of view). Why has she not provided me with some amount of WILL?Why has she enslaved me by chaining me to the laws?I know this out burst wont help. I know because I AM at least at this point of time. On the contrary this will prove detrimental. The anger and the effects of the anger will consume up all my energies. I shall be the only loser. I shall be thus serving the purpose of the nature by reacting. This will not be my doing.This would tantamount to just a happening and ‘I’s existence would just be a NOT.I decide to turn my anger ‘inwards’. I decide to use this ‘outflow’ of the energies for my own purpose, since it is always difficult to hold or save emotional drives. If I can cause the anger turn ‘inwards’, I know this will bring a qualitative change in the quality of the energies. This will provide a ‘shock’ transmuting the anger into a resolve. A negative all consuming energies into some thing real positive. One can DO this only if one is present, actively,watchful and not ‘sleeping’. Yes, this is DOING. UNDOING of happening is in real sense DOING.While I was resolving to use these next 30 minutes in not doing any thing other than NOT DOING and jotting down my observations of NOT DOING, (this in real sense would be UNDOING (undoing of nature/ laws causing happenings) which is the only form of DOING. so far one lacks WILL) the nature grabbed me, for (ha! ha! well, I am serious, nature does try to punish you if you try to defy her) defying her, and made me ‘sleep walk’, since I got up mechanically, walked up and down the room, obviously, doing (ha! ha!) mechanical thinking. It is 7.30. The allocated 30 minutes for observations has passed in mechanical thinking, drinking water, tea and watching birds. While I was DOING (ha! ha!) I opened the doors opening into the lawns.“ A decides and B disposes”- how meaningful is this ancient saying. In the wake of my experience, I would like to add –“ and C does the opposite”. ‘I’ normally resolves to do something and end up in doing the opposite. Ha! Ha! I am trying to laugh out my pathetic self. Ha! Ha! Ha!My anger has subsided. But by turning it ‘inwards’, I succeeded in letting it not spoil my mood. Let it not consume my energies. Let it not consume ME (I hope SHE will register this in her mind), I feel better, though I have failed to use my anger more wisely. Some time from now, in the heat of the anger, I was in a mood to challenge the Mother Nature for a bout unto finish. And here I am so easy going. My success is partial. My UNDOING is partial. My DOING is partial.
I am currently Restless