august 31st, 2001
10/31/2001 02:02 a.m.
The beginning of my day today was yesterday, the same old story.I got up at around 5.30, did some mechanical thinking, struggled a bit and dozed off. It is 6.45 now and here I am sitting crossed legged, Indian style, holding my notebook in my lap, writing what I am writing. The only difference is that I am looking through just with one eye since my right eye is bandaged owing to removal of a boil from my eyelid yesterday evening. (I had to remind my self in order to write about my eyes that there can be other readers of my journal in time to come other than the only one I have to my disposal right now. Ha! Ha!)We have two legs, two kidneys, two lungs, two hands, two nostrils, two ears and two eyes but just one brain, one heart, one stomach and one little ‘that thing’.The creator (who ever that bloody fool is) is ( I hope he is still alive)a real thinker. Imagine the plight of this world with habitats with two brains? Imagine the state of the people with two hearts suffering from the virus popularly known as loveria? Think of the plight of the third world countries populated with people fighting among them selves for food with two stomachs. And well, I don’t want to imagine life in general (in the name of holy cow and all saints) with each of the man and each of the woman having ‘that thing’- TWO. Oh Brother! , forgive me, for I, the sinner, seek your forgiveness’.But my worry is different at this point of time (let the so-called creator take care of his problems). My worry is that I am simply slipping off. I am losing what ever little control I had regained in the last few days. My worry is that my mechanical ness is on the increase. I am happy that I am worried. This is the only proof I have that I am alive. (Though this is not sufficient.)It is 8AM. This means that I have virtually lost two and half hours doing nothing barring drinking water, reading news papers while sipping my tea and writing whatever little I have written. I failed to DO much because I WAS NOT.There is a machine programmed to react (operate) to externals. The machine is reacting to all kind of externals. The machine is being operated by all kind of externals. I NEED AN OPERATOR. I NEED TO BECOME AN OPERATOR This operator has to be alert every moment, from moment to moment, since the laws are at work all the time, since externals are always present. IF THEE’S AN ‘I’ THRE’S AN OPERATOR.There are numbers of mythological stories always depicting minor gods (the laws) trying to distract and cause disturbance to the saints who are deeply immersed in their SADHNA (meditation/ practice) in trying to become one with the God/attain inner unity on way to attaining the most sought after treasure- THE WILL. The better the quality of their practice, the more is the intensity of the disturbance and the distraction.Are these minor gods symbol of the LAWS? Are these LAWS nothing but theso-called symbolic DEMONS holding you from becoming ONE with the EVERY THINGGOOD (GOD)? One cannot attain every thing good unless one attains ONENESS. In other words - WILL.
I am currently Playful