august 30th, 2001
10/29/2001 02:17 a.m.
I woke up, as usual, at 5.30. Did my mechanical thinking till 6.30. The only unusual thing about my mechanical thinking was that there was certain amount of intention in that. Needless to say that I did not get into any conflict with my mechanical selves. On the contrary I was fighting my externals, which were causing distraction, though there wasn’t much of distraction at this hour of time. I was full of concentration and it goes without saying that I derived immense pleasure doing my mechanical thinking with certain amount of so-called intention. Needless also to say that it was purely of erotic nature. Ican imagine HER laughing while reading this part of my journal entry. Another unusual aspect was that I did not doze off, seeing what I was seeing, even for a fraction of second. (Hey, YOU, will you please stop laughing now, since your laughter is distracting me – ha! ha!)This is 6.45 now. My mechanical selves again carried me away, though ofdifferent nature. The unfortunate part is that despite the absence of any intention, I failed to resist, put any amount of struggle. The sad part is that once out of my mechanical thinking, I observe a blankness engulfing me. I am feeling like discontinuing my journal writing at least for now. I am also feeling exhausted. Why?I think despite my so-called passive intentions, an hour of mechanical thinking has consumed all my energies.Why should I write my journal in my mornings only? Why can’t I write it at any other time during the day? Why can’t I write when I feel like writing?I know I am succumbing to the laws. When one starts talking of moods, one is succumbing to the laws. It’s a question of control. If it is you who controls the moods, its YOU. But if it is the mood (the law causes the mood), which controls you, it’s the LAW.‘My mood’ is an incorrect expression in the absence of any intentional ‘I’. If there isn’t any ‘I” how can ‘my mood’ be claimed as ‘my mood’. And if there’s a real permanent ‘I’, then there are no ‘moods’. There exists just a WILL, will of this ‘I’. The WILL of this ’I’ is its MOOD.
I am currently Bothered