august 29th, 2001
10/28/2001 02:44 a.m.
This has been an hour of utter failure clubbed with lethargy, mechanical thinking (this includes some erotic images), dozing off and struggle. I am still struggling. I am still so tired and sleepy. Over and above my right eye is troubling me a lot. What I thought to be a tiny boil in the inside center of my right eyelid turned out to be a peanut size boil, which, it seems might open upa hole right through the eyelid- Ha! Ha! Ha! I imagined myself entertaining black sunglasses in order to not to allow people to look into my eyes right through this hole. I also thought of how SHE would react when she will read this journal entry of today. She can then (when she is here) look into my eyes right through this hole, even when I am asleep. Ha! Ha! Ha!This is 6.45 now and despite my laughter, I am feeling guilty. Guilty that I did not jump out of the bed the very moment I woke up. Guilty that I failed to hold up my mechanical thoughts from carrying me away. Guilty that I failed to get into the moment from moment to moment.Suddenly there’s a feeling as if I am missing something, which I, some how, know, but…I remember HER expressing the same feeling yesterday. She had had the same experience.This feeling is not new to me. This is always there when there is a struggle. I am missing something, which I know is right here, which is now. Here and now.Yes, as a matter of fact, I am missing here and now. This is something like as if I am on the verge of something and I am missing it though it is there. This feeling will pass away once when I am lost, carried away by my other selves. This feeling will also pass away once I am in the moment, ONE with this ‘here and now’. This feeling will also pass away once I stop running towards my own death, stop waiting for the next moment, stop waiting for the things to unfold.This feeling will pass away once I stop the world.There’s a survival instinct in all of us, which compels us to fight or flight in a stress situation. Paradoxically, there’s a death instinct too in all of us, which keeps us running towards our own deaths from the very moment we become aware of being alive. Our life, thus sums up into a run from life to death. Every moment (life) we want to be in the next (death) and when we are in the next, we wish to be in the next. Thus our run continues in death from death to death. We always seem to be waiting, waiting for our deaths. But we fail to wait here and now. (Death can never touch us here and now. This is the only moment weare sure death cannot touch us). We don’t want to stop. We will not let death struggle to over come us. We run towards it, making its job easy. We are easy preys. This is how the process of life becomes the process of death.I must stop this. I must stop my running. I must stop my anxieties. I must stop here and now, this very moment, in this very moment. This is the only moment I have. This is the only moment I want to BE. Just this.
I am currently Scattered