august 26th, 2001
10/26/2001 05:01 p.m.
As usual, I woke up at around 5.30. Did some mechanical thinking and dozed off. It’s more or less like begetting, living a mechanical life and dying. How does it matter if you have lived your death lasting a so-called lifetime or a moment?A moment of LIVING is what shall count. Moments of SEEING/BEING/LIVING are what should be the basis of measuring a life span.Living cannot be beyond SEEING or BEING. LIVING is just a synonym.The nature seems to be so cautious that it did not leave any room for the crowd to gain CONTROL, to disrupt the nature’s scheme of things. And I do believe in this. This is the reason I believe that the knowledge can only be meant for the chosen few. The CROWD isn’t capable of handling knowledge.It is 7.20 now. The newspaper has arrived. I can hear the guard dropping it on the dining table.Reading newspapers is becoming a part of my habit these days. I recommenced reading it as an escape. And now it’s a habit. I must get into a conflict with this habitual self of mine. I must trick it out while I steal his association with the newspaper. I must.My newspaper reading self (nprs) is still ‘alive’ since it is trying to justify his reading habit. I have to be alert, remain actively watchful/wakeful. I am in a conflict. I might find myself reading newspaper the very next moment if I am not watchful. I have to be in a constant conflict with that self of mine with a predetermined decision that I am going to be the winner. One of the chosen I.This nprs of mine is either getting energies from the association (news papers) because of the associated ness or is it that the association opens up the energy accumulators because of the associated ness. I think I shall have to observe and ascertain. I know one thing and that is that if I am not alert and predetermined to turn out to be a winner, this nprs with his charge is capable of transporting me to the dining table where the newspapers are kept in the morning, effortlessly. I can feel the enthusiasm in my legs. A sort of etching.I am scared. I want control. I repeat my determination.I decide to walk up to the dining table. I shall not even glance at thenewspapers. I hope my nprs is not tricking me into reading instead of my trying to trick him. I shall remain alert.I am back intact. While I was in the dining room I peeped into the drawing room with a mechanical intention of getting on the Internet, hoping HER to be on lineIncidentally my nephew is on line. I will take my chance later. I witnessed energizing of yet another self owing to the association.My nprs is still ‘alive’ since he is coming up with arguments, in order to trick me into reading the newspapers. I ought to know what’s going on this world. At least I ought not to miss what’s going on this goddam town since I have so many landed interests in this place etc. Well, I counter all those arguments with ‘I prefer not missing myself than this goddamned world’ and it is not necessary for me to read the newspaper right now. I decide to read the newspaper while having my tea.There’s another law, which is always at work- the law of HEPTA……. (Vibration, Octave, Seven, change etc). Everything in the course of its movement changes its course. One starts a thing with enthusiasm and after a lapse of sometime this enthusiasm turns into Boredom.Lets call it the LAW OF BOREDOM (ha! ha! ha!). And I witnessed the effect of this law just now. I found myself getting up like a robot and walking towards the living room just out of the sheer Boredom Interestingly I found myself going up to the dinning table, glancing at the news paper, without touching them, remembering my resolve, turning back I am in conflict and I am happy that I am in the process of stealing the association of my nprs. Everytime now when thenewspaper will arrive I shall be in conflict with this nprs. There will be a constant struggle –‘to read or not to read’, till I make it absolutely meaningless. I have to ultimately come out triumphantly. I need this struggle, this conflict, with each of my selves, every moment till I become ONE.PS;My tea has arrived. My newspapers too. But I decide to drink my tea and complete writing my journal instead of reading newspapers.
I am currently Scattered