Itsallwhatyouthink
12/10/2001 02:56 a.m.
The less I communicate with the outside I think would make me better off sometimes. Just loads of shit upon shit come back at me from it every time I’m amongst it recently. Even when I get something cool I still get shit on. Save for that small group of close friends I have I think I should just disappear for a while, just fade into the background and separate. The unseen unknown person that’s more suitable, you can’t do anything to that which you don’t know is there. No pain, no anguish, nothing to worry about but what you gotta do and how to keep yourself from going apeshit on the world. Feelings of loneliness surround me more then ever of late and it’s the most constricting thing I could ever imagine. Nothing breaking its vice-like grip around me just a mist of nobodies. Nobodies working, playing, laughing, crying, making love, being loved, hating…feeling. Nobodies going through their lives with so much purpose and vigor. Passing this figure by as they go on with their meaningless babble. Who was that? What was that? Oh that’s … hey who was that? Oh him yeah he’s cool. Great guy he is. Never see him too screwed up like them. What if he is fucked up? What if he’s that house of that next giant pulse of rage and destruction that gets on the front page? Wow I didn’t expect that from him. We’re shocked really. Always such a great person to everyone. Great to everyone else, asking nothing in return, because something should happen to me right after I do good for others right? Why shouldn’t it? I don’t want much in fact I don’t really care about most of the stupid stuff people nowadays do, and I like it that way. But its been so long since I’ve felt anything truly good. Its like there’s this giant cement wall 20 inches think surrounding me not letting anything right come on in through it. Folks your gonna love this baby, the ultimate top of the line model. Yessiree this here, you put this thing up ‘round whatever you want and your set. Nothing good can get in there, I guarantee it. But what happens when say happiness in that small dose that stops by gets in. Well we’ve installed backups for that we got things that suck that baby out faster then it got in. I think its my lack of companion… no that’s not it. I doubt that anymore. Well I thought I saw something leading somewhere that turned out to be a mirage as usual. The emptiness is back around and he looks like he’s made a nice home for himself. Me being such a good person can’t seem to find the right way to tell him how to get the fuck out of my house. The bad roommate your stuck with and they say there isn’t any room to transfer. Why can’t he just go away, shit he never leaves me alone anymore it’s like the year won’t ever end. Everything is just a mirage, nothing is ever truly real anymore. Just false hope, and pipe dreams stringing you along for the ride, like that stripper at the club hoping for a better tip. She knows she doesn’t want you she can’t stand you, but you have the biggest wallet in the house. Suck it dry, keep promising more, then blown off again and again. Nobody cares about you suck it up and keep going bitch. See that light up ahead? Yeah you’ll get there. Just keep on going man and you’ll make it. (stupid shit, I can’t believe that fuck-head is actually buying it) Hiding behind the light is the janitor working the power for the lamp. Just mirages, nothing real. Shit why should it be? Real is too hard to think up man. Why do all that work? They all set you up for the next big fall. They live to see the fall, they thrive on it. That how they get by don’t you know? They put on their movies and then turn it off just at the last scene and never tell you the end, just to go fuck yourself. They all make believe. Nobodies. Faking work, faking play, faking laughing, faking making love. Their in it for them. They don’t give you anything you need they set you up and take what they need, then the gaping wounds open up across your body. That’s only if they don’t decide to use the fire. They love that though. The burning, crakling sound of melting flesh, and smell of a charred body. They pour it on and say don’t worry I’ve seen worse you’ll be ok in no time. The affection has run out on me, the one thing I crave to want and to give has left the building. I want it back but there’s too much out there that doesn’t deserve any contact with anything save for me. I want the day to come when I can get that affection back. But right now that’s buried down deep. Its not needed. Its not necessary yet. No one can get what they damn well can’t ever give. Maybe I can use it again one day. I’m an affectionate person, hell I live for the stuff. Maybe all the mirages will fade away. Ha ha ha ha ha ha … … thas almost as good as the stripper wanting to go home with you.
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to Hoobastank