apologies that mean something
09/24/2014 11:08 a.m.
1. Recognize that saying "I'm sorry," means jack squat. It's a good place to start but "I'm sorry"s are not 'Get Out of Jail Free!' cards. Using them as if they were is going to wear thin fast.

2. Explain why what you did was wrong. Because if you haven't figured out what you did wrong that hurt the other person, the other person can't trust you to stop hurting them.
-- A. Do NOT defend your position. Your position means jack squat. This is not an explanation of why you were right, it's an explanation of what you did wrong. Starting a fight about why you really actually were right just means you still don't understand what you did was wrong and your apology is null and void. You're just using it as a Get Out of Jail Free!' card to escape the consequences of your actions. "I'm sorry I hurt you but..." generally will make the person much less inclined to believe you really are sorry since ... usually translates into "but you totally deserved it (usually for pissing me off)!"

3. Change. Apologies are not for the person you hurt. They are for you, to make restitution to the person you hurt so they don't kick you out of their life for being too damaging to be around. They don't magically heal damage, that only happens if you STOP repeating that hurtful action and create a track record of being kinder, more considerate, and nicer to be around.

4. Recognize there are consequences to your hurtful actions that apologies do not erase. If you call your daughter a slut, she is not going to want her son to spend time with you; that is nothing he needs to hear. If you lie and manipulate, people will check what you tell them with every one involved. If you bully someone, your victims will not want to visit. Apologies do not erase the inherent need to protect one's self from Machiavellian schemings and/or drama queen tendencies.

An apology does not mean all is forgiven nor is forgiveness for your benefit; it's for the person you hurt so they don't eat themselves alive with anger and rage. If you want to help the person you hurt, change. Just don't expect forgiveness on your timetable. It isn't yours to dictate any more than they can dictate that you be serious about apologizing in the first place. You started this by hurting that person in the first place. Being better for a day, a week, a month, or year or more does not mean you get free rein to backside later nor does it give you a handle on forcing forgiveness. If you've been truly working on your issues, the person will have seen it. If you haven't, chances are pretty damn good they already know that too. Likely you have people in common and those people are also telling the crap you're trying to pull on them. Will they seriously believe you're sorry for calling them a slut when you've moved on to calling your next daughter one?

...

Because my mother still can't understand why we don't accept her apologies. Usually they're poisoned with justifications like "We weren't good parents but we we could've been worse", "I'm just trying to teach them", "Why can't you remember anything good?", and best of all "Why can't you let go of the past?" Sorry sweetheart, this is long past a forgiveness issue, you make it damn hard to let go of the past when you keep recycling the same lying, manipulative jackassery over and over. And for the record, walking out before I punch you in your lying lips is called anger management. It is the socially acceptable way of managing blinding rage so one does not end up in jail. It is not having a "meltdown", you've been pretty damn lucky that my one genuine meltdown courtesy of brotherly harassment scared me badly enough that I did learn to walk away when I feel it building to explosion. You forced me to practice a cold, logical rage, but push hard enough and I will boil.