Confessions
05/10/2011 02:57 a.m.
Greetings to this, my first journal entry within the land of pathetic.org.
If you are reading this entry then i must say you have a passing inquisitiveness as to the person that I am within. After all, is this not why we write and create worded worlds ... to release an inner being?
There was a time long ago where i knew what valued most in life. I knew the desires and the needs and the wants and the effectiveness and the ... never mind, it's an ongoing list. But i knew what and who I was.
I guess the older you get, the more that memory returns to haunt you.
You see, as children, we are forged in the image of our parents. It is their personality which guides us towards right and wrong. It is their views which shapes our so-called prejudices.
Then we grow up ... so to speak ... i use the term very loosely. We learn a little bit about life and it's quintessential meaning ... we take from it the lessons that are taught from the mistakes which we make and we forge a personality all our own. An independent monster that grows as we age and alters it's own molecular structure.
We adapt. We grow. We discover. We live. We learn. We change.
I've done all of it in spades and yet i have no pride in who i was. I am proud yet possess no pride.
This my dear friends and readers, you can consider my eulogy. An epitaph to something which i pushed 6 feet under and covered with lime, bedrock and cement so that it can never see the light of day.
These are my sins, brought forth and thrown at friends, lovers, companions and family. This is the writing of my inner-most demons which need to be exorcised once and for all. For if you cannot face your demons, you cannot move forward as the person that you are. I cannot ask forgiveness for in truth i do not deserve it.
I am a liar ...
I have lied. I have fabricated stories that were made from air and hurt those that loved me. Falsehood fled my lips and touched the air and became real for a time and i couldn't even take it back. How can you take something like pretending a person had died. Is there a reason for what I did? No ... i was an idiot.
I have hated ... for the sake of hating. I thought i was above others and tried to have them on the same level as me. Such a high regard for oneself often leads to a disappointment that often burns into hatred. How dare others not think and feel like me? This was moronic ....
I have borrowed and not returned. What man takes and does not give back what he has taken? A man smaller than an ant ... a microcosm of disgust ... myself.
I have used ... others and myself. Gratifying experiences without need or thought of others and the consequences it brings. Satisfaction was a sought after commodity and i took it in spades with little care.
I have hurt purposefully ... those that loved me and cared about and for me. I have ripped shreds into people that came into my life because i did not have the courage to rip into those that hurt or maimed me. Funny how this happens .. you leave someone who has harmed you and find someone softer and harm them ... what a cycle that ends up being.
Sorry guys but i cant write anything else for now ....

I am currently Reflective
I am listening to Creep - Radiohead