7 Years!
12/07/2010 09:36 p.m.

This month marks the beginning of my 8th year at Pathetic. Wow. I can't believe I've been here that long. It's one constant in my world of changes.

And as I write, I'm surrounded by packing boxes and the clutter of moving - again.

Let's see, since I've been at Pathetic, I've moved, ummmmm *counting*....Wasco, to Celeste's, to American Village apts, back to Wasco, to The Dalles on Court St, then to Hood River, then back to the Dalles (another apt on Court St), then to 14th St in The Dalles, then to the house on Snipes St. when Meme needed to move in with us, then to 10th Street with Meme, then to here....and now, in the next two weeks, I'll be moving on to Astoria. Holy schnykies!!! That's 12 moves in 7 years. That's just ridiculous.

My caring for Meme full time is near its end now. I've managed to get all her affairs in order, switch her income to a trust account, arrange for new, local doctors by getting her health insurance reassigned. I've arranged for her admission into a long term care facility and that's set for next Monday. She keeps telling me how she is resigned to her future at this care facility, but she is not looking forward to it and she "feels like (she's) going there to die." Hearbreaking for both of us. I've been caring for her for the last 13 years - 8 1/2 of them just assisting her so she could remain in her own apartment, and 4 1/2 of them caring for her full time at home. If I could have found more respite for myself, and if my own health hadn't forced me to face the fact that I could not continue caring for someone 24/7, I would have SOOOO loved to continue providing her with a home to remain in until she leaves her body.

Amanda and Steven (who've been living with Meme and I most of this time) have found an apartment to share, finally, after months of searching and applying. They are moving their things today.

I've found places for one of my dogs, while Keefer (the other one) is going to remain with me. I've found a home for our bird, our two fish, and I'm working on helping my son find one for his cat. Every placement feels like a part of me is going, too.

I'm going to be moving about 180 miles away to live in a little town on the Oregon coast, Astoria Oregon (you know, the little town where Kindergarten Cop with Arnold Schwartzenaeger (sp?) was filmed). Originally I was scheduled to move the 15th, but since Meme's admission isn't until the 13th, I'm making arrangements to stay on another week or so, to finish closing up the house here. Astoria sits on the mouth of the Columbia River where it merges with the Pacific Ocean, rather than being right on the ocean. Still, it's only a ten minute drive to the shore at Seaside, OR, so I'll have the solace and nurture of the beach soooo close by!

Since I haven't been employed outside my home for over three years, and I haven't had access to my own income all that time, I am going into this new life with no money to get me started (other than what I've been able to stash away for the actual moving truck and gasoline). I'm so grateful that my oldest son has invited me to live with him and his wife and my grandson. I feel blessed as well as humbled by his gift and my need for it. And the financial contribution he's suggested I make after I find a job is MORE than reasonable.

Even though, intellecutally, I realize that it isn't useful to feel this way, I honestly feel a bit ashamed to be in the position where I do not have the money to provide for myself. Such is the opportunity to grow that the universe is giving me presently.

It will be strange to live so far away from The Dalles, even though the last 13 years "here" have been pretty scattered. From raising my kids both full and part time, to a failed marriage, two engagements, a couple of different employers, and so many stops and starts along the way to trying to find a sense of direction and purpose, even destiny through it all - I can't believe I am the age I am and still such a nomad. It certainly isn't the life I mapped out for myself when I was 18.

Adam has gone back to the UK, his visitor's visa having run the full length of permission. having him here was such a blessing, and his sharing my responsibilities eased the load considerably. I will be forever grateful to him for loving and supporting me while he was here. Eventually we plan to be together again, hopefully this time with me going to the UK to be with him for a visit, but we're taking things nice and slow and easy. I may need to be "just me" for awhile after I get settled at my son's, at least a little while. It's mostly about self care and getting myself sorted out. Adam is amazing and wonderful and I am ever blessed to have him in my life. I just don't absolutely know that I am fit for any serious relationship presently.

Well, onward ho....

I am currently: packing
Listening to: complaints about being shifted yet again.